Prom-Planning Tips

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Vol 39 Issue 12

Government No Longer Even Bothering To Hide Halliburton Favors

WASHINGTON, DC—With last week's announcement that it will award Halliburton a lucrative contract to put out Iraqi oil-well fires after the war, the U.S. government has officially stopped trying to hide its favoritism toward the Houston-based company. "When we first started cutting Halliburton sweetheart deals, we'd worry about how it would look, with Dick Cheney being their former CEO and all," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said. "Somewhere along the line, though, we just kind of said, 'Ah, fuck it.'" Fleischer added that Halliburton has something "real juicy" coming its way when the U.S. invades Iran in July 2004.

Second-Grade Class Has No Questions For Visiting Local Historian

KENOSHA, WI—Roberta Litt's second-graders at LaFollette Elementary School failed to come up with a single question for visiting local historian Elmer Rasmussen Tuesday. "Come on, folks," said Litt, scolding her class. "Mr. Rasmussen was nice enough to come all the way down here today to tell us about immigrant-farmstead life in the 19th century. I find it hard to believe that not one of you has a question." Following an uncomfortable two minutes of silence, Litt ordered the children to put their heads down on their desks for the remainder of the period.

I've Got Oscar (And War) Fever!

Item! There's only one story on the minds of people across this great nation right now: the 75th anniversary Academy Awards. And Jackie Harvey was right there in the front row... of his living room! I know there are people out there who say there are more important things to worry about in these troubled times. Well, what better way to forget your troubles than with a fabulous awards ceremony?

Celine In Las Vegas

Celine Dion recently began a three-year, $100 million engagement at Caesars Colosseum, a theater built specifically for her.

Dolphins And The Military

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?
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Prom-Planning Tips

Prom-Planning Tips

Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable:

  • The prom is a magical experience, a chance to do such grown-up things as get all dressed up, drink nine Smirnoff Ices, vomit in a limo, and pass out in Mom's azalea bushes.
  • The theme is one of the most important elements of a prom. Choose carefully between "Tropical Paradise" and "Stepping Out In Style."
  • Do not attempt to finger-bang your date until a slow song comes on.
  • Prom night is one of the most memorable nights of your life, so don't ruin it by neglecting to wax. No guy wants to go down on a gorilla salad.
  • Don't forget the corsage! Fresh flowers are necessary to mask the smell of sweat and foot odor in your school's dank, poorly ventilated gym.
  • Try to plan ahead, so you are not more than two or three months pregnant for your prom.
  • Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important dress you will ever wear.
  • Achieve local celebrity and serve as a valuable cautionary tale by drinking too much at the post-prom party, plowing your Trans Am head-on into another car, and killing yourself, your date, and four kids from St. Vitus.
  • Impress your date with corsages for both wrists, plus a third to strap to her forehead.
  • If you were not asked to prom, you can still have fun by putting on a dress, buying a taco-salad party platter from the local Pic-N-Save, and dancing in your bedroom as a portable radio plays the latest Top 40 hits.
  • Don't feel pressure to have sex just because it's prom night. Stopping at a tongue up the ass is perfectly acceptable.
  • This will be the biggest night of your life if you happen to die in the next few weeks.

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