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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

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SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Prom-Planning Tips

Prom-Planning Tips
Prom-Planning Tips

Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable:

  • The prom is a magical experience, a chance to do such grown-up things as get all dressed up, drink nine Smirnoff Ices, vomit in a limo, and pass out in Mom's azalea bushes.
  • The theme is one of the most important elements of a prom. Choose carefully between "Tropical Paradise" and "Stepping Out In Style."
  • Do not attempt to finger-bang your date until a slow song comes on.
  • Prom night is one of the most memorable nights of your life, so don't ruin it by neglecting to wax. No guy wants to go down on a gorilla salad.
  • Don't forget the corsage! Fresh flowers are necessary to mask the smell of sweat and foot odor in your school's dank, poorly ventilated gym.
  • Try to plan ahead, so you are not more than two or three months pregnant for your prom.
  • Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important dress you will ever wear.
  • Achieve local celebrity and serve as a valuable cautionary tale by drinking too much at the post-prom party, plowing your Trans Am head-on into another car, and killing yourself, your date, and four kids from St. Vitus.
  • Impress your date with corsages for both wrists, plus a third to strap to her forehead.
  • If you were not asked to prom, you can still have fun by putting on a dress, buying a taco-salad party platter from the local Pic-N-Save, and dancing in your bedroom as a portable radio plays the latest Top 40 hits.
  • Don't feel pressure to have sex just because it's prom night. Stopping at a tongue up the ass is perfectly acceptable.
  • This will be the biggest night of your life if you happen to die in the next few weeks.

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