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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Proposition 8 Overturned

Last week, a federal judge ruled that California's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, leaving many proponents of Proposition 8 scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some of their strategies:

  • Launching a nationwide movement to redefine heterosexual marriage as "super-marriage"
  • Nonstop purity balls
  • Allowing students to shower with opposite-sex peers in gym class
  • A cap-and-trade system in which homosexual couples can buy marriage credits when heterosexual couples get divorced or die
  • Proposition 233, a new law requiring all couples who seek a marriage license, regardless of their sexuality, to submit a detailed plan for returning California to fiscal solvency
  • If any of your uncles feel weird about it, the wedding's off
  • Spend $90 million on a bold ad campaign for Oregon that highlights the state's quaint scenery, abundance of antique shops, and many nonjudgmental communities
  • Just keep the protest signs in front yards comin'

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