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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag

A South Carolina bill to remove the Confederate flag from its position in front of the state house is gaining momentum, with the House of Representatives currently reviewing the bill and preparing to vote. Here are the pros and cons of flying the Confederate flag:

PROS

  • Bold way to display distorted, painstakingly cherry-picked heritage
  • Stirring symbol of South’s never-surrender attitude 150 years after South’s surrender
  • It’s already all the way up there on flagpole
  • Simplest way to let others know your state ranks in bottom quintile of all quality-of-life metrics
  • Eliminates uncomfortable feeling of having to say aloud what you think of African Americans
  • Political correctness should not get in the way of being on the wrong side of history
  • Without it, nation might forget racism ever happened in U.S.

CONS

  • Can’t fully grasp its incredible grandeur like you can on a bedspread or garage door
  • May arouse negative feelings among blacks regarding 19th-century states’ rights, currency inflation, and sectarianism
  • U.S. flag already represents history of entrenched prejudice just as well
  • Eliminates tedious raising, lowering, and triangular-folding tasks
  • Has always been sad reminder of The Dukes Of Hazzard’s cancellation
  • Could give accurate representation as to what kind of person is flying it
  • There still plenty of other ways to make nation’s black population feel despised, derided, and inferior



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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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