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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag

A South Carolina bill to remove the Confederate flag from its position in front of the state house is gaining momentum, with the House of Representatives currently reviewing the bill and preparing to vote. Here are the pros and cons of flying the Confederate flag:

PROS

  • Bold way to display distorted, painstakingly cherry-picked heritage
  • Stirring symbol of South’s never-surrender attitude 150 years after South’s surrender
  • It’s already all the way up there on flagpole
  • Simplest way to let others know your state ranks in bottom quintile of all quality-of-life metrics
  • Eliminates uncomfortable feeling of having to say aloud what you think of African Americans
  • Political correctness should not get in the way of being on the wrong side of history
  • Without it, nation might forget racism ever happened in U.S.

CONS

  • Can’t fully grasp its incredible grandeur like you can on a bedspread or garage door
  • May arouse negative feelings among blacks regarding 19th-century states’ rights, currency inflation, and sectarianism
  • U.S. flag already represents history of entrenched prejudice just as well
  • Eliminates tedious raising, lowering, and triangular-folding tasks
  • Has always been sad reminder of The Dukes Of Hazzard’s cancellation
  • Could give accurate representation as to what kind of person is flying it
  • There still plenty of other ways to make nation’s black population feel despised, derided, and inferior



More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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