After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting:


  • Only way to prevent your children from being abducted, molested, and then murdered
  • Get to watch every precious moment of your child’s transformation into a fully neurotic cream puff of an adult
  • No need for child to waste time developing their own dreams and ambitions
  • Forgot how fun it is to build toothpick molecules
  • You quit your career for this kid, remember? You gave up everything, and now you’re just going to let them get a B in French?
  • Guarantees you’re there to support your child when they have a nervous breakdown due to your overbearing parenting style


  • Much less cool than the phrase sounds
  • Can lead to dependency issues in which parents don’t learn how to function on their own
  • Though unlikely, it’s possible that your child does not actually dream of being tap and jazz star
  • Kids actually pretty awful to be around for more than a few minutes at a time
  • Children may grow up with a sense of entitlement to things like being surrounded by people who love and care about them
  • Not even that effective at psychologically compensating for all the mistakes you’ve ever made in your life

After Birth

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