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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pros And Cons Of An NFL Franchise In London

  • PRO: Desire to see grown men crush each other knows no nationality
  • CON: Players may react poorly to prim but adorable trainers who fly with aid of parasol and burst into character-building songs every 10 minutes
  • PRO: British prisons have plenty of room for athletes
  • CON: British viewers have a tendency to say "oh, my!" and faint at even the mildest block
  • PRO: Could call team the London Fog and helmet could feature a badass cloud
  • CON: Entire fucking ocean away from every other team
  • PRO: Fans actually polite and well-spoken right up until they riot and push each other through chain-link fences
  • CON: Victorious coaches will not enjoy being doused with 40 gallons of hot tea
  • PRO: Great way to piss off L.A.
  • CON: Changing of the Left Guards loses its flair after the third or fourth time

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