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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Pros And Cons Of An NFL Franchise In London

  • PRO: Desire to see grown men crush each other knows no nationality
  • CON: Players may react poorly to prim but adorable trainers who fly with aid of parasol and burst into character-building songs every 10 minutes
  • PRO: British prisons have plenty of room for athletes
  • CON: British viewers have a tendency to say "oh, my!" and faint at even the mildest block
  • PRO: Could call team the London Fog and helmet could feature a badass cloud
  • CON: Entire fucking ocean away from every other team
  • PRO: Fans actually polite and well-spoken right up until they riot and push each other through chain-link fences
  • CON: Victorious coaches will not enjoy being doused with 40 gallons of hot tea
  • PRO: Great way to piss off L.A.
  • CON: Changing of the Left Guards loses its flair after the third or fourth time

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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