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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Pros And Cons Of An NFL Franchise In London

  • PRO: Desire to see grown men crush each other knows no nationality
  • CON: Players may react poorly to prim but adorable trainers who fly with aid of parasol and burst into character-building songs every 10 minutes
  • PRO: British prisons have plenty of room for athletes
  • CON: British viewers have a tendency to say "oh, my!" and faint at even the mildest block
  • PRO: Could call team the London Fog and helmet could feature a badass cloud
  • CON: Entire fucking ocean away from every other team
  • PRO: Fans actually polite and well-spoken right up until they riot and push each other through chain-link fences
  • CON: Victorious coaches will not enjoy being doused with 40 gallons of hot tea
  • PRO: Great way to piss off L.A.
  • CON: Changing of the Left Guards loses its flair after the third or fourth time

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