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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School

While graduate school is often touted as a way to specialize in a given field and increase earning power, opponents argue it can put students into debt without helping them get better jobs. Here are some pros and cons of going to grad school:

PROS

  • Gives the job market a few years to bounce back
  • Opportunity for more specialized student loan debt
  • Provides more impressive credentials to parents’ friends
  • Can experience college life anew as mature, wizened 26-year-old
  • Increases chance of finding perfectly matched partner while staring across piles of paper at law school study session
  • Will make you stand out among other unpaid interns
  • Undergraduate degree suddenly good for something

CONS

  • May be unable to communicate with people who haven’t gone to grad school
  • No money left to frame second degree
  • Only small percentage of PhDs actually go on to be featured in History Channel specials
  • Could be a lot of work
  • Will have to say thesis topic out loud
  • Impossible to truly relive glory days of co-ed madrigal singers
  • Could lead to career in academia

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