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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School

While graduate school is often touted as a way to specialize in a given field and increase earning power, opponents argue it can put students into debt without helping them get better jobs. Here are some pros and cons of going to grad school:

PROS

  • Gives the job market a few years to bounce back
  • Opportunity for more specialized student loan debt
  • Provides more impressive credentials to parents’ friends
  • Can experience college life anew as mature, wizened 26-year-old
  • Increases chance of finding perfectly matched partner while staring across piles of paper at law school study session
  • Will make you stand out among other unpaid interns
  • Undergraduate degree suddenly good for something

CONS

  • May be unable to communicate with people who haven’t gone to grad school
  • No money left to frame second degree
  • Only small percentage of PhDs actually go on to be featured in History Channel specials
  • Could be a lot of work
  • Will have to say thesis topic out loud
  • Impossible to truly relive glory days of co-ed madrigal singers
  • Could lead to career in academia

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