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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School

While graduate school is often touted as a way to specialize in a given field and increase earning power, opponents argue it can put students into debt without helping them get better jobs. Here are some pros and cons of going to grad school:

PROS

  • Gives the job market a few years to bounce back
  • Opportunity for more specialized student loan debt
  • Provides more impressive credentials to parents’ friends
  • Can experience college life anew as mature, wizened 26-year-old
  • Increases chance of finding perfectly matched partner while staring across piles of paper at law school study session
  • Will make you stand out among other unpaid interns
  • Undergraduate degree suddenly good for something

CONS

  • May be unable to communicate with people who haven’t gone to grad school
  • No money left to frame second degree
  • Only small percentage of PhDs actually go on to be featured in History Channel specials
  • Could be a lot of work
  • Will have to say thesis topic out loud
  • Impossible to truly relive glory days of co-ed madrigal singers
  • Could lead to career in academia

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