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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Provisions Of Arizona’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law

Last week, the Arizona legislature passed a bill allowing business owners to refuse service to homosexual customers if the owners claim such actions conflict with their religious beliefs. Here are some of the notable provisions of the proposed law:

  • Hotel clerks must provide notarized letter from God or other deity when turning away guests
  • Reverses law requiring small business owners to perform same-sex commitment ceremonies after serving gay customers
  • If refusing service, business owners required to spit tobacco before saying, “We don’t take kindly to you folk”
  • Would no longer obligate businesses to treat all patrons as faceless, mindless sources of revenue
  • Gays can still buy muffins at the bakery, but they have to wait until the straight people have taken their pick
  • Thirty-eight-page speculative description of gay sexual encounter
  • Real estate brokers may now refuse whatever service they’ve convinced themselves they’re offering
  • Requires straight customers to spend a little extra money to make up the difference
  • Does not provide funding for Native American scholarships, which might’ve helped this baby go down a little smoother
  • Sets framework for Arizona State University to reject an applicant for the very first time in school’s history
  • Safeguards Arizona residents’ freedom to practice Jesus Christ’s teachings of love, inclusion, and tolerance

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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