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Provisions Of Arizona’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Provisions Of Arizona’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law

Last week, the Arizona legislature passed a bill allowing business owners to refuse service to homosexual customers if the owners claim such actions conflict with their religious beliefs. Here are some of the notable provisions of the proposed law:

  • Hotel clerks must provide notarized letter from God or other deity when turning away guests
  • Reverses law requiring small business owners to perform same-sex commitment ceremonies after serving gay customers
  • If refusing service, business owners required to spit tobacco before saying, “We don’t take kindly to you folk”
  • Would no longer obligate businesses to treat all patrons as faceless, mindless sources of revenue
  • Gays can still buy muffins at the bakery, but they have to wait until the straight people have taken their pick
  • Thirty-eight-page speculative description of gay sexual encounter
  • Real estate brokers may now refuse whatever service they’ve convinced themselves they’re offering
  • Requires straight customers to spend a little extra money to make up the difference
  • Does not provide funding for Native American scholarships, which might’ve helped this baby go down a little smoother
  • Sets framework for Arizona State University to reject an applicant for the very first time in school’s history
  • Safeguards Arizona residents’ freedom to practice Jesus Christ’s teachings of love, inclusion, and tolerance

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