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Puppy Bowl Highlights

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Puppy Bowl Highlights

Onion Sports looks back at the best-ever moments from Super Sunday's other big event throughout the years:

1869: Rutgers the basset hound and Princeton the cocker spaniel square off in a playful romp that will eventually inspire today's Puppy Bowl

1950: In what is generally agreed on as the worst Puppy Bowl in history, everyone just shits all over the place

1982: The introduction of a new puppy funnel which adds extra puppies every 10 seconds is quickly discontinued after a major sheepdog clog

1984: In one of the greatest moments in Puppy Bowl history, golden retriever pup Maxwell puts his dear little face right up to the camera and just looks so confused and curious, and—oh, it was just the most adorable thing

2001: The XPL, a much-hyped competing puppy league, fails to find an audience and is disbanded; scrappy Doberman He Spayed Me is the only puppy asked to try out for the Puppy Bowl

2002: Dennis Miller is fired as Puppy Bowl commentator and is replaced by peppy soft jazz

2003: In a patriotic display for dogs serving in Iraq, the Puppy Bowl gets its first flyover by some cute puppies dressed up as baby eagles and suspended on wires

2004: Aerosmith plays the Kitty Half-Time Show

2007: Michael Vick is banned from ever again guest-refereeing Puppy Bowl

2008: Kala wins the Puppy Bowl by a final score of "Aaaaaaaaawwwwwwww!!!!!" to "Aaaaawwww!!"

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