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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Reasons For Obama’s Low Approval Rating

A new Quinnipiac University poll released Thursday showed that President Obama’s approval rating has plunged to 44 percent. Here are the reasons why Americans say they disapprove of Obama's job performance:

  • Hasn’t killed Osama bin Laden in over two years
  • Flawed handling of humanity’s inherent capacity for violence and deceit
  • Ranking someone else as poor engenders fleeting perception of superiority
  • Nightmarish oligarchy wherein millions of unemployed Americans watch as the wealthy grow endlessly richer somewhat of a bummer
  • Weak, effeminate hands
  • All that shit about his birth certificate and Obamacare
  • Has consistently wavered back and forth between doing nothing about climate change and doing nothing about gun control
  • Failed to preserve Americans’ blissful ignorance regarding privacy violations
  • Did not enact 9-9-9 taxation plan to fix economy and create jobs
  • Is unable to deliver consistently high approval ratings
  • Though the U.S. president admittedly has no influence over relevant crude oil production, a factor that is well beyond any one person’s direct control, fact remains that gas prices are fucking crazy right now
  • 2013

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