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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Record Flight Delays

This summer has been one of the worst in recent years for flight delays, particularly for passengers stuck on the runway. Here are some of the factors behind the delays:

Pilot not exactly in hurry to get to Buffalo

Flight dispatcher working on psychology dissertation, titled "Human Reactions In Confined, Deteriorating Conditions"

Gremlin on wing prematurely destroying engines prior to takeoff instead of waiting until plane hits 30,000 feet

Airlines figure passengers will question safety if planes just take off willy-nilly

Cockpit tip jar empty

Good-natured pilots agreeing to wait for any and all passengers running a little late to airport

Pilots vs. luggage handlers softball game went into extra innings

Security needs more time to squint at you

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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