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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books:

  • The Social Engineering Provision (Connecticut): Abortions are available only when the woman is facing dire risks such as being mousy, husky, or flat-chested
  • Maximization of Pathos Act (California): After a termination procedure, clinicians must gaze into the patient's eyes and say, "It was a boy"
  • Fair Warning Act (Vermont): Prior to procedure, headphones placed over the patient's abdomen must blare the sound of a 90-decibel Klaxon horn
  • The You Monster Act (South Carolina): Requires clinic workers to call a patient a monster at least five times before performing abortion
  • Second Thoughts Relocation Act (North Carolina): Abortions can only be provided by a physician holding an Elmo-themed first-birthday cake and must be performed in the middle of an open, active day-care center
  • The Guterman Act (North Dakota): Abortions are still granted, but only if the woman agrees not to laugh at anything for two years following the procedure
  • Scratch Statute (Georgia): State lottery to issue new "Termination Madness" instant scratch-off game giving participants a 1-in-100,000 chance of winning a free abortion
  • Public Notification Act (Mississippi): Any woman who receives an abortion must place a sign in vehicle that reads "Baby on board? Nope. Why not? I'll give you one guess. That's right. I aborted the fetus I was carrying"
  • The Phillips Waiting Period (Wisconsin): Anyone seeking an abortion must wait three days after initial consultation, during which Dale Phillips (R-Kenosha) stares at her the whole time

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