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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books:

  • The Social Engineering Provision (Connecticut): Abortions are available only when the woman is facing dire risks such as being mousy, husky, or flat-chested
  • Maximization of Pathos Act (California): After a termination procedure, clinicians must gaze into the patient's eyes and say, "It was a boy"
  • Fair Warning Act (Vermont): Prior to procedure, headphones placed over the patient's abdomen must blare the sound of a 90-decibel Klaxon horn
  • The You Monster Act (South Carolina): Requires clinic workers to call a patient a monster at least five times before performing abortion
  • Second Thoughts Relocation Act (North Carolina): Abortions can only be provided by a physician holding an Elmo-themed first-birthday cake and must be performed in the middle of an open, active day-care center
  • The Guterman Act (North Dakota): Abortions are still granted, but only if the woman agrees not to laugh at anything for two years following the procedure
  • Scratch Statute (Georgia): State lottery to issue new "Termination Madness" instant scratch-off game giving participants a 1-in-100,000 chance of winning a free abortion
  • Public Notification Act (Mississippi): Any woman who receives an abortion must place a sign in vehicle that reads "Baby on board? Nope. Why not? I'll give you one guess. That's right. I aborted the fetus I was carrying"
  • The Phillips Waiting Period (Wisconsin): Anyone seeking an abortion must wait three days after initial consultation, during which Dale Phillips (R-Kenosha) stares at her the whole time

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