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Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books:

  • The Social Engineering Provision (Connecticut): Abortions are available only when the woman is facing dire risks such as being mousy, husky, or flat-chested
  • Maximization of Pathos Act (California): After a termination procedure, clinicians must gaze into the patient's eyes and say, "It was a boy"
  • Fair Warning Act (Vermont): Prior to procedure, headphones placed over the patient's abdomen must blare the sound of a 90-decibel Klaxon horn
  • The You Monster Act (South Carolina): Requires clinic workers to call a patient a monster at least five times before performing abortion
  • Second Thoughts Relocation Act (North Carolina): Abortions can only be provided by a physician holding an Elmo-themed first-birthday cake and must be performed in the middle of an open, active day-care center
  • The Guterman Act (North Dakota): Abortions are still granted, but only if the woman agrees not to laugh at anything for two years following the procedure
  • Scratch Statute (Georgia): State lottery to issue new "Termination Madness" instant scratch-off game giving participants a 1-in-100,000 chance of winning a free abortion
  • Public Notification Act (Mississippi): Any woman who receives an abortion must place a sign in vehicle that reads "Baby on board? Nope. Why not? I'll give you one guess. That's right. I aborted the fetus I was carrying"
  • The Phillips Waiting Period (Wisconsin): Anyone seeking an abortion must wait three days after initial consultation, during which Dale Phillips (R-Kenosha) stares at her the whole time

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