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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Regan Suing News Corporation

Judith Regan, the former publisher of Reganbooks, is suing Rupert Murdoch and News Corporation, alleging that the company sought to discredit her in an effort to protect Rudolph Giuliani's presidential ambitions. Taken from court documents, here are some of her specific allegations.

Made married, corrupt, bald, overweight cop Bernard Kerik so sexy that Regan had no choice but to throw herself at him and compromise her professional integrity

Twice had her salary docked by News Corp brass for not being bald and paunchy

Baiting her to make anti-Semitic remarks by surrounding her with incompetent Jews

At a News Corp Christmas party, Bill O'Reilly deliberately took her favorite karaoke song just before she was about to go on

Rupert Murdoch publicly claimed he didn't lose a single pound on the Regan-published diet program, The Zone

Had a kid with a broken leg stand outside her house telling passersby she broke his leg

Threatened to destroy that rapidly aging portrait of her in the attic

Made her out to be some sort of soulless bitch intent only on making money off humanity's worst instincts

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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