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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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R.E.M. Breaks Up

After 31 years together, the Athens, GA–based band R.E.M. has announced it is breaking up. Here are some highlights of the group's career:

  • 1980: The band selects the name R.E.M. after deciding Really Excellent Music is a little too straightforward
  • 1983: Really start getting into themselves after a friend lets them borrow a copy of their debut album Murmur and it sounds like no rock music they've ever heard before
  • 1984: The group shares a collective ironic laugh over the picture of a baby angel smoking on the cover of Van Halen's 1984
  • 1994: Kurt Cobain lists Michael Stipe as one of his biggest influences seconds before shooting himself in the face
  • 2004: R.E.M. and John Kerry begin appearing together at campaign events, with both sadly believing the association will boost their popularity
  • 2007: After entering the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, band members agree to stay together another four years so it won't be obvious they were just holding out for induction
  • 2011: The band books the Staples Center for a future reunion concert, for which Michael Stipe has prepared a long speech about his lifelong love of showbiz and razzle-dazzle
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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