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Remaking The Republican Party

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Remaking The Republican Party

Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image. Here are some options the GOP is considering to extend its appeal:

  • Start nominating hipper, more relatable 65-year-old men
  • Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”
  • A bunch of abortions and stuff—whatever the gals want
  • Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses
  • Project youthful vibe by requiring Republican congressmen to walk around Capitol doing yo-yo tricks
  • Change party mascot to a Hispanic elephant
  • Start one of those Twitter hashtags
  • Eh, fuck it—just disenfranchise as many people as possible

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