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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Remaking The Republican Party

Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image. Here are some options the GOP is considering to extend its appeal:

  • Start nominating hipper, more relatable 65-year-old men
  • Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”
  • A bunch of abortions and stuff—whatever the gals want
  • Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses
  • Project youthful vibe by requiring Republican congressmen to walk around Capitol doing yo-yo tricks
  • Change party mascot to a Hispanic elephant
  • Start one of those Twitter hashtags
  • Eh, fuck it—just disenfranchise as many people as possible

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