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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Remembering Dick Clark

Dick Clark, the creator and longtime host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, died on Apr. 18 of a heart attack. Here are some highlights from the beloved TV personality’s life:

  • 1932: A 2-year-old Clark stuns his family with his first words: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Freddy 'Boom Boom' Cannon!"
  • 1955: After carefully considering trends in modern liturgical music, beat poetry, and hyper-minimalism, Clark decides to introduce America to rock and roll
  • 1962: Earns the nickname "America's Oldest Teenager" in part because of his boyish looks and connection to youth culture, but also because of his near constant masturbation
  • 1972: TV execs give Dick Clark's New Year's show the green light once Clark agrees to change a contentious word in the title to the more family-friendly "Rockin'"
  • 1974: Corners Casey Kasem in a Philadelphia Shoney's bathroom, threatens to “cut his cartoon-voiced belly stem to sternum if he catches him in his half of the United States again”
  • 1986: Releases Dick Clark's Easygoing Guide To Good Grooming
  • 2005: The growing pink pustule on Clark's neck finally bursts and a mucus-covered, squealing embryonic Ryan Seacrest wriggles out and begins looking for HDTV cameras for sustenance
  • 2012: With his life flashing before his eyes, Clark is profoundly disappointed by how much Barry Manilow it contains
  • 2012: Stops aging

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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