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Remembering Dick Clark

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

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Remembering Dick Clark

Dick Clark, the creator and longtime host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, died on Apr. 18 of a heart attack. Here are some highlights from the beloved TV personality’s life:

  • 1932: A 2-year-old Clark stuns his family with his first words: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Freddy 'Boom Boom' Cannon!"
  • 1955: After carefully considering trends in modern liturgical music, beat poetry, and hyper-minimalism, Clark decides to introduce America to rock and roll
  • 1962: Earns the nickname "America's Oldest Teenager" in part because of his boyish looks and connection to youth culture, but also because of his near constant masturbation
  • 1972: TV execs give Dick Clark's New Year's show the green light once Clark agrees to change a contentious word in the title to the more family-friendly "Rockin'"
  • 1974: Corners Casey Kasem in a Philadelphia Shoney's bathroom, threatens to “cut his cartoon-voiced belly stem to sternum if he catches him in his half of the United States again”
  • 1986: Releases Dick Clark's Easygoing Guide To Good Grooming
  • 2005: The growing pink pustule on Clark's neck finally bursts and a mucus-covered, squealing embryonic Ryan Seacrest wriggles out and begins looking for HDTV cameras for sustenance
  • 2012: With his life flashing before his eyes, Clark is profoundly disappointed by how much Barry Manilow it contains
  • 2012: Stops aging

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