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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Remembering Dick Clark

Dick Clark, the creator and longtime host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, died on Apr. 18 of a heart attack. Here are some highlights from the beloved TV personality’s life:

  • 1932: A 2-year-old Clark stuns his family with his first words: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, Freddy 'Boom Boom' Cannon!"
  • 1955: After carefully considering trends in modern liturgical music, beat poetry, and hyper-minimalism, Clark decides to introduce America to rock and roll
  • 1962: Earns the nickname "America's Oldest Teenager" in part because of his boyish looks and connection to youth culture, but also because of his near constant masturbation
  • 1972: TV execs give Dick Clark's New Year's show the green light once Clark agrees to change a contentious word in the title to the more family-friendly "Rockin'"
  • 1974: Corners Casey Kasem in a Philadelphia Shoney's bathroom, threatens to “cut his cartoon-voiced belly stem to sternum if he catches him in his half of the United States again”
  • 1986: Releases Dick Clark's Easygoing Guide To Good Grooming
  • 2005: The growing pink pustule on Clark's neck finally bursts and a mucus-covered, squealing embryonic Ryan Seacrest wriggles out and begins looking for HDTV cameras for sustenance
  • 2012: With his life flashing before his eyes, Clark is profoundly disappointed by how much Barry Manilow it contains
  • 2012: Stops aging

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