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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Remembering Earnhardt

It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at his life and legacy.

  • 1950: Conceived when a sperm crashed headfirst into the membrane of an ovum
  • 1974: Upon watching his son Ralph Dale, Jr. being born, Earnhardt spits, says, "Good luck, kid," and walks away
  • 1975: After finishing 22nd in his racing debut, Earnhardt announces he plans to get better, first by purchasing a car
  • 1976: Immediately after Janet Guthrie makes sports history by becoming the first woman to run a superspeedway race, Earnhardt spins her out, winning the hearts of NASCAR fans
  • 1980: Wins his first Winston Cup for being the only driver to actually keep track of who won and how everyone finished in each race
  • 1987: Earnhardt suggests everyone start calling him "The Intimidator"
  • 1987: Informs GM Goodwrench they will sponsor his car from now on; Goodwrench company decides they'd better do as he says
  • 1992: Thanks to Earnhardt's tireless efforts, NASCAR fans are finally willing to accept a black car
  • 1994: Seventh Winston Cup championship ties him for most of all time with Richard Petty, the other famous NASCAR driver
  • 1997: Establishes the Dale Earnhardt GM Goodwrench Man In Black #3 The Intimidator Wreck The Tits Off 'Em Foundation, which raises money to fight breast cancer by spinning out Jeff Gordon
  • 1998: Smokes an entire pack of cigarettes and reads four issues of Field & Stream while racing the Coca-Cola 600
  • 1999: Fucks Terry Labonte's wife right in front of him
  • 2001: Finished 12th in the Daytona 500; also, died

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