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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Remembering Earnhardt

It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at his life and legacy.

  • 1950: Conceived when a sperm crashed headfirst into the membrane of an ovum
  • 1974: Upon watching his son Ralph Dale, Jr. being born, Earnhardt spits, says, "Good luck, kid," and walks away
  • 1975: After finishing 22nd in his racing debut, Earnhardt announces he plans to get better, first by purchasing a car
  • 1976: Immediately after Janet Guthrie makes sports history by becoming the first woman to run a superspeedway race, Earnhardt spins her out, winning the hearts of NASCAR fans
  • 1980: Wins his first Winston Cup for being the only driver to actually keep track of who won and how everyone finished in each race
  • 1987: Earnhardt suggests everyone start calling him "The Intimidator"
  • 1987: Informs GM Goodwrench they will sponsor his car from now on; Goodwrench company decides they'd better do as he says
  • 1992: Thanks to Earnhardt's tireless efforts, NASCAR fans are finally willing to accept a black car
  • 1994: Seventh Winston Cup championship ties him for most of all time with Richard Petty, the other famous NASCAR driver
  • 1997: Establishes the Dale Earnhardt GM Goodwrench Man In Black #3 The Intimidator Wreck The Tits Off 'Em Foundation, which raises money to fight breast cancer by spinning out Jeff Gordon
  • 1998: Smokes an entire pack of cigarettes and reads four issues of Field & Stream while racing the Coca-Cola 600
  • 1999: Fucks Terry Labonte's wife right in front of him
  • 2001: Finished 12th in the Daytona 500; also, died

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