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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Remembering Earnhardt

It's been 10 years since racing lost Dale Earnhardt, a man synonymous with NASCAR's rise to popularity in the 1990s. We look at his life and legacy.

  • 1950: Conceived when a sperm crashed headfirst into the membrane of an ovum
  • 1974: Upon watching his son Ralph Dale, Jr. being born, Earnhardt spits, says, "Good luck, kid," and walks away
  • 1975: After finishing 22nd in his racing debut, Earnhardt announces he plans to get better, first by purchasing a car
  • 1976: Immediately after Janet Guthrie makes sports history by becoming the first woman to run a superspeedway race, Earnhardt spins her out, winning the hearts of NASCAR fans
  • 1980: Wins his first Winston Cup for being the only driver to actually keep track of who won and how everyone finished in each race
  • 1987: Earnhardt suggests everyone start calling him "The Intimidator"
  • 1987: Informs GM Goodwrench they will sponsor his car from now on; Goodwrench company decides they'd better do as he says
  • 1992: Thanks to Earnhardt's tireless efforts, NASCAR fans are finally willing to accept a black car
  • 1994: Seventh Winston Cup championship ties him for most of all time with Richard Petty, the other famous NASCAR driver
  • 1997: Establishes the Dale Earnhardt GM Goodwrench Man In Black #3 The Intimidator Wreck The Tits Off 'Em Foundation, which raises money to fight breast cancer by spinning out Jeff Gordon
  • 1998: Smokes an entire pack of cigarettes and reads four issues of Field & Stream while racing the Coca-Cola 600
  • 1999: Fucks Terry Labonte's wife right in front of him
  • 2001: Finished 12th in the Daytona 500; also, died
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