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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Remembering Jim McKay

Professional, dignified, and humble, yet always deeply involved with the culture of sports, he set a standard to which few still aspire. Onion Sports looks back on the career of Jim McKay, 1921-2008:

As a young Baltimore Sun reporter in the late 1940s, McKay developed a new vocabulary for baseball in order to more easily convey the events of the game to his audience, including the terms "hit," "single," and "out"

In 1970, McKay somersaults down a ski ramp alongside tumbling ski jumper Vinko Bogataj in order to better describe the agonizing sensations of defeat

Positioned underneath the net of the 1973 badminton championships, McKay informs viewers that the last shuttlecock has been lost under the bleachers, uttering his famous words, "They're all gone"

As the turbulent 1970s draw to a close, McKay poses for that fateful late-'70s file photo that would accompany every single one of his obituaries 30 years later

McKay's simple yet eloquent description of the rippling hindquarter muscles of the thoroughbreds competing in the 1978 Kentucky Derby simultaneously cause three million women to have their first orgasms

In 1980, McKay revolutionizes Olympic broadcasting by being the first reporter to enjoy what he was watching

After 16 weeks of extensive instruction during the winter of 1984, McKay finally teaches Bob Costas how to sit in front of a crackling fireplace without catching on fire

Upon completion of the log rolling competition in 1986, McKay swiftly arrives at the edge of the water to interview the winning log

In 2004, McKay musters up nearly 60 years of broadcasting experience to become the only man to not look like a dipshit while wearing an ABC Sports logo blazer

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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