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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Remembering Jim McKay

Professional, dignified, and humble, yet always deeply involved with the culture of sports, he set a standard to which few still aspire. Onion Sports looks back on the career of Jim McKay, 1921-2008:

As a young Baltimore Sun reporter in the late 1940s, McKay developed a new vocabulary for baseball in order to more easily convey the events of the game to his audience, including the terms "hit," "single," and "out"

In 1970, McKay somersaults down a ski ramp alongside tumbling ski jumper Vinko Bogataj in order to better describe the agonizing sensations of defeat

Positioned underneath the net of the 1973 badminton championships, McKay informs viewers that the last shuttlecock has been lost under the bleachers, uttering his famous words, "They're all gone"

As the turbulent 1970s draw to a close, McKay poses for that fateful late-'70s file photo that would accompany every single one of his obituaries 30 years later

McKay's simple yet eloquent description of the rippling hindquarter muscles of the thoroughbreds competing in the 1978 Kentucky Derby simultaneously cause three million women to have their first orgasms

In 1980, McKay revolutionizes Olympic broadcasting by being the first reporter to enjoy what he was watching

After 16 weeks of extensive instruction during the winter of 1984, McKay finally teaches Bob Costas how to sit in front of a crackling fireplace without catching on fire

Upon completion of the log rolling competition in 1986, McKay swiftly arrives at the edge of the water to interview the winning log

In 2004, McKay musters up nearly 60 years of broadcasting experience to become the only man to not look like a dipshit while wearing an ABC Sports logo blazer

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