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Remembering Princess Di

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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Remembering Princess Di

This Friday marks the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana of Wales. What tributes are being paid to her memory?

Prince Philip, Buckingham Palace: Muttering, closing drapes

Sarah Irvine, Pensacola, FL: Sharing her six-stanza poem "Hymn for a Princess" on the MSNBC.com Diana tribute message board

Elton John, London: Auctioning off his tearstained throw pillow from when he heard the news; donating proceeds to charity

Mohamed al-Fayed, London: Giving all-night reading of names of people he believes were involved in the conspiracy to break up Dodi al-Fayed and Diana

Marc Kampa, Freeport, IL: Placing a tiara on the dashboard of his car

Kathy Briquelet, Philadelphia, PA: Continuing to remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of her two sons

Douglas Bright, Seattle, WA: Comforting attractive women who are crying because Diana is dead

Annie DiPasca, Fairfield, CT: Speaking in a soft British accent for the bulk of Friday morning

John Kotter, Wayne, NJ: Working tirelessly for needy children and people with AIDS, and ending the scourge of land mines worldwide

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