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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Remembering Princess Di

This Friday marks the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana of Wales. What tributes are being paid to her memory?

Prince Philip, Buckingham Palace: Muttering, closing drapes

Sarah Irvine, Pensacola, FL: Sharing her six-stanza poem "Hymn for a Princess" on the MSNBC.com Diana tribute message board

Elton John, London: Auctioning off his tearstained throw pillow from when he heard the news; donating proceeds to charity

Mohamed al-Fayed, London: Giving all-night reading of names of people he believes were involved in the conspiracy to break up Dodi al-Fayed and Diana

Marc Kampa, Freeport, IL: Placing a tiara on the dashboard of his car

Kathy Briquelet, Philadelphia, PA: Continuing to remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of her two sons

Douglas Bright, Seattle, WA: Comforting attractive women who are crying because Diana is dead

Annie DiPasca, Fairfield, CT: Speaking in a soft British accent for the bulk of Friday morning

John Kotter, Wayne, NJ: Working tirelessly for needy children and people with AIDS, and ending the scourge of land mines worldwide

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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