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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Remembering Princess Di

This Friday marks the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana of Wales. What tributes are being paid to her memory?

Prince Philip, Buckingham Palace: Muttering, closing drapes

Sarah Irvine, Pensacola, FL: Sharing her six-stanza poem "Hymn for a Princess" on the MSNBC.com Diana tribute message board

Elton John, London: Auctioning off his tearstained throw pillow from when he heard the news; donating proceeds to charity

Mohamed al-Fayed, London: Giving all-night reading of names of people he believes were involved in the conspiracy to break up Dodi al-Fayed and Diana

Marc Kampa, Freeport, IL: Placing a tiara on the dashboard of his car

Kathy Briquelet, Philadelphia, PA: Continuing to remain in a loveless marriage for the sake of her two sons

Douglas Bright, Seattle, WA: Comforting attractive women who are crying because Diana is dead

Annie DiPasca, Fairfield, CT: Speaking in a soft British accent for the bulk of Friday morning

John Kotter, Wayne, NJ: Working tirelessly for needy children and people with AIDS, and ending the scourge of land mines worldwide

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