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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Remembering The Original Dream Team

With the USA's "Dream Team" looking to redeem their poor 2004 performance, Onion Sports looks back on the first, and arguably the best, Dream Team:

In the 1988 Olympic games, U.S. amateur basketball players are only able to achieve a bronze medal, prompting FIBA officials to make sure that never happens again

Coach Chuck Daly wakes up one morning in 1991 and writes down a dream he had in which a team of all the NBA's best players easily defeated everyone in the world while wearing their pajamas; Daly later removed the part about the pajamas

During team USA's 116-48 whooping of Angola, Christian Laettner waits in the locker room to avoid getting in the way of the awesome players

The Dream Team plays the game against Lithuania in slow motion, dunking the ball 100 times

After a no-look-behind-the-back-pass from Larry Bird, Jordan dishes the ball to Magic Johnson, who throws it to Charles Barkley, who bounces it to Patrick Ewing, who sends it to Chris Mullin, who tosses it to Clyde Drexler, who throws it to David Robinson, who hurls it to Karl Malone, who slings it to John Stockton, who heaves it down the court to Scottie Pippen, who is stopped by the referees whistling the play dead because the Dream Team has 11 men on the court

Clyde Drexler plays an entire game without touching the ground once

Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan use their time together during fast breaks to learn that they both love gambling

Michael Jordan leads the way against Croatia with 22 points, finally settling the dispute over who is better, Michael Jordan or Croatia

A tearful Karl Malone clutches his gold medal and insists the feeling is better than winning an NBA championship as his fellow Dream Teamers hide their grins and nod supportively

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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