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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Remembering The Original Dream Team

With the USA's "Dream Team" looking to redeem their poor 2004 performance, Onion Sports looks back on the first, and arguably the best, Dream Team:

In the 1988 Olympic games, U.S. amateur basketball players are only able to achieve a bronze medal, prompting FIBA officials to make sure that never happens again

Coach Chuck Daly wakes up one morning in 1991 and writes down a dream he had in which a team of all the NBA's best players easily defeated everyone in the world while wearing their pajamas; Daly later removed the part about the pajamas

During team USA's 116-48 whooping of Angola, Christian Laettner waits in the locker room to avoid getting in the way of the awesome players

The Dream Team plays the game against Lithuania in slow motion, dunking the ball 100 times

After a no-look-behind-the-back-pass from Larry Bird, Jordan dishes the ball to Magic Johnson, who throws it to Charles Barkley, who bounces it to Patrick Ewing, who sends it to Chris Mullin, who tosses it to Clyde Drexler, who throws it to David Robinson, who hurls it to Karl Malone, who slings it to John Stockton, who heaves it down the court to Scottie Pippen, who is stopped by the referees whistling the play dead because the Dream Team has 11 men on the court

Clyde Drexler plays an entire game without touching the ground once

Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan use their time together during fast breaks to learn that they both love gambling

Michael Jordan leads the way against Croatia with 22 points, finally settling the dispute over who is better, Michael Jordan or Croatia

A tearful Karl Malone clutches his gold medal and insists the feeling is better than winning an NBA championship as his fellow Dream Teamers hide their grins and nod supportively

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