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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Remembering The Original Dream Team

With the USA's "Dream Team" looking to redeem their poor 2004 performance, Onion Sports looks back on the first, and arguably the best, Dream Team:

In the 1988 Olympic games, U.S. amateur basketball players are only able to achieve a bronze medal, prompting FIBA officials to make sure that never happens again

Coach Chuck Daly wakes up one morning in 1991 and writes down a dream he had in which a team of all the NBA's best players easily defeated everyone in the world while wearing their pajamas; Daly later removed the part about the pajamas

During team USA's 116-48 whooping of Angola, Christian Laettner waits in the locker room to avoid getting in the way of the awesome players

The Dream Team plays the game against Lithuania in slow motion, dunking the ball 100 times

After a no-look-behind-the-back-pass from Larry Bird, Jordan dishes the ball to Magic Johnson, who throws it to Charles Barkley, who bounces it to Patrick Ewing, who sends it to Chris Mullin, who tosses it to Clyde Drexler, who throws it to David Robinson, who hurls it to Karl Malone, who slings it to John Stockton, who heaves it down the court to Scottie Pippen, who is stopped by the referees whistling the play dead because the Dream Team has 11 men on the court

Clyde Drexler plays an entire game without touching the ground once

Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan use their time together during fast breaks to learn that they both love gambling

Michael Jordan leads the way against Croatia with 22 points, finally settling the dispute over who is better, Michael Jordan or Croatia

A tearful Karl Malone clutches his gold medal and insists the feeling is better than winning an NBA championship as his fellow Dream Teamers hide their grins and nod supportively

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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