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Replacing Meredith

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Replacing Meredith

With Meredith Vieira rumored to be leaving the Today show when her contract expires this year, NBC is scrambling to find a new female cohost. Here are some of the people being considered:

  • Ellen DeGeneres—She already does shit like this now, might as well do it earlier in the morning
  • Jane Pauley—Right the wrong of 1989, NBC!
  • Patti Smith—While admittedly a bit less polished than the usual Today anchor, Smith could really help NBC capture the demographic currently using their TV as part of an art installation.
  • M.E.R.E.D.I.T.H.—Building on their experience with Watson, the Jeopardy!-playing computer, IBM engineers have created an artificial host program that asks perfectly inane questions.
  • Bob Costas—With the right lighting he looks just like Katie Couric for half the price
  • Paula Zahn—Equally comfortable seated on a couch or casually walking four steps toward a table while throwing to commercial
  • Tyra Banks—Plenty of experience talking and being sassy, and she's been naturally waking up earlier and earlier for some reason
  • Natalie Morales—Veteran Today correspondent shares Vieira's shoe size, which would help NBC save thousands per year in wardrobe costs

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