adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Replacing Meredith

With Meredith Vieira rumored to be leaving the Today show when her contract expires this year, NBC is scrambling to find a new female cohost. Here are some of the people being considered:

  • Ellen DeGeneres—She already does shit like this now, might as well do it earlier in the morning
  • Jane Pauley—Right the wrong of 1989, NBC!
  • Patti Smith—While admittedly a bit less polished than the usual Today anchor, Smith could really help NBC capture the demographic currently using their TV as part of an art installation.
  • M.E.R.E.D.I.T.H.—Building on their experience with Watson, the Jeopardy!-playing computer, IBM engineers have created an artificial host program that asks perfectly inane questions.
  • Bob Costas—With the right lighting he looks just like Katie Couric for half the price
  • Paula Zahn—Equally comfortable seated on a couch or casually walking four steps toward a table while throwing to commercial
  • Tyra Banks—Plenty of experience talking and being sassy, and she's been naturally waking up earlier and earlier for some reason
  • Natalie Morales—Veteran Today correspondent shares Vieira's shoe size, which would help NBC save thousands per year in wardrobe costs
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close