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Replacing Meredith

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Replacing Meredith

With Meredith Vieira rumored to be leaving the Today show when her contract expires this year, NBC is scrambling to find a new female cohost. Here are some of the people being considered:

  • Ellen DeGeneres—She already does shit like this now, might as well do it earlier in the morning
  • Jane Pauley—Right the wrong of 1989, NBC!
  • Patti Smith—While admittedly a bit less polished than the usual Today anchor, Smith could really help NBC capture the demographic currently using their TV as part of an art installation.
  • M.E.R.E.D.I.T.H.—Building on their experience with Watson, the Jeopardy!-playing computer, IBM engineers have created an artificial host program that asks perfectly inane questions.
  • Bob Costas—With the right lighting he looks just like Katie Couric for half the price
  • Paula Zahn—Equally comfortable seated on a couch or casually walking four steps toward a table while throwing to commercial
  • Tyra Banks—Plenty of experience talking and being sassy, and she's been naturally waking up earlier and earlier for some reason
  • Natalie Morales—Veteran Today correspondent shares Vieira's shoe size, which would help NBC save thousands per year in wardrobe costs

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