adBlockCheck

Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
End Of Section
  • More News

Representative King's Muslim Hearings

Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response." Here's some of the information that came out of testimonies given there:

  • Almost 97 percent of Muslims are so un-American they can't eloquently summarize Federalist Paper No. 51 and James Madison's argument for checks and balances
  • That delicious spice in their food? That's sumac; man, it's so good
  • When Muslims scratch their bearded chins and look up, they're most likely thinking of new ways to blow up something
  • There is a massive international Muslim conspiracy to subvert all democracies everywhere, a fact its members were obligated to disclose because they were under oath
  • Unfortunately, not one witness knows Cat Stevens personally
  • Muslims always back their cars into parking spaces, even though it doesn't really save any time in the long run
  • They're pretty much the only thing keeping Dearborn, MI's economy afloat
  • Muslims can vote, and they probably won't be casting ballots for the party that hauled them before Congress because of their religion

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close