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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Representative King's Muslim Hearings

Last week, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) held a controversial hearing entitled "The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community's Response." Here's some of the information that came out of testimonies given there:

  • Almost 97 percent of Muslims are so un-American they can't eloquently summarize Federalist Paper No. 51 and James Madison's argument for checks and balances
  • That delicious spice in their food? That's sumac; man, it's so good
  • When Muslims scratch their bearded chins and look up, they're most likely thinking of new ways to blow up something
  • There is a massive international Muslim conspiracy to subvert all democracies everywhere, a fact its members were obligated to disclose because they were under oath
  • Unfortunately, not one witness knows Cat Stevens personally
  • Muslims always back their cars into parking spaces, even though it doesn't really save any time in the long run
  • They're pretty much the only thing keeping Dearborn, MI's economy afloat
  • Muslims can vote, and they probably won't be casting ballots for the party that hauled them before Congress because of their religion

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