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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Republican Alternatives To Obamacare

As the White House struggles with the rollout of Obamacare’s online health insurance marketplace, pressure has mounted within the Republican Party to begin offering conservative alternatives that address the nation’s health care crisis. Here are some of the plans the GOP is considering:

  • Repeating the phrase “you can keep your current doctor” over and over until something happens
  • Loosening regulations to allow Americans to ship ill and injured family members to cheaper doctors overseas
  • Whatever the opposite of tyranny is
  • Allowing sick Americans to choose how they exhaust their life savings on a single medical bill, even if it’s out of plan
  • A true market-based solution—perhaps a convenient website—where uninsured people would pay for their own health insurance from private providers
  • $2,500 cash incentive to the first person who cures cancer
  • A health care law that won’t allow the disgrace of another Benghazi
  • Unsettling language and several ominous-looking graphs labeled “Obamacare” followed by a breezy smile and soothing, unspecific words

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