adBlockCheck

Recent News

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut

Here are the requirements candidates must meet to qualify for NASA’s astronaut program:

  • Fifty or more hours logged driving space shuttle around empty NASA parking lot
  • Candidates’ height should fall between 62 and 75 inches in order to fit within regulation space suits and promotional NASA polo shirts
  • At least five summers spent contemplating the stars from the hood of an El Camino
  • General, demonstrable proficiency in taking direction and working on a soundstage
  • Preference given to candidates who are already completely weightless
  • Spotless interstellar criminal record
  • Must have at least three interesting stories to share aboard cramped spacecraft
  • No one at NASA right now really knows how to expand social reach via Snapchat, if you could point them in the right direction with that
  • All candidates screened for their ability to procure $18 billion in funding each fiscal year


More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close