adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut

Here are the requirements candidates must meet to qualify for NASA’s astronaut program:

  • Fifty or more hours logged driving space shuttle around empty NASA parking lot
  • Candidates’ height should fall between 62 and 75 inches in order to fit within regulation space suits and promotional NASA polo shirts
  • At least five summers spent contemplating the stars from the hood of an El Camino
  • General, demonstrable proficiency in taking direction and working on a soundstage
  • Preference given to candidates who are already completely weightless
  • Spotless interstellar criminal record
  • Must have at least three interesting stories to share aboard cramped spacecraft
  • No one at NASA right now really knows how to expand social reach via Snapchat, if you could point them in the right direction with that
  • All candidates screened for their ability to procure $18 billion in funding each fiscal year


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close