adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Requirements For Becoming A NASA Astronaut

Here are the requirements candidates must meet to qualify for NASA’s astronaut program:

  • Fifty or more hours logged driving space shuttle around empty NASA parking lot
  • Candidates’ height should fall between 62 and 75 inches in order to fit within regulation space suits and promotional NASA polo shirts
  • At least five summers spent contemplating the stars from the hood of an El Camino
  • General, demonstrable proficiency in taking direction and working on a soundstage
  • Preference given to candidates who are already completely weightless
  • Spotless interstellar criminal record
  • Must have at least three interesting stories to share aboard cramped spacecraft
  • No one at NASA right now really knows how to expand social reach via Snapchat, if you could point them in the right direction with that
  • All candidates screened for their ability to procure $18 billion in funding each fiscal year


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close