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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Restrictive Voter Laws On The Rise

This year 41 states have introduced at least 180 bills that would reduce voting, whether by requiring an ID at the polls, curbing registration drives, or limiting early balloting. Critics argue these measures are aimed at disenfranchising the young, minorities, and the poor. Here are some of the more controversial laws under consideration:

  • Nevada: Polling places will no longer supply ballots; voters must bring their own
  • Ohio: Voters must present valid Republican Party membership card
  • Tennessee: All registered voters must show up at polling areas with at least one normal-looking coworker who promises that voter is cool
  • Pennsylvania: No restrictions
  • Kentucky: Polling place staffed by voters’ high school girlfriends and boyfriends
  • Alabama: Voters required to correctly guess the number the voting inspector is thinking of
  • Arboria: To be deemed worthy, potential voters must complete the Rite of Passage ceremony by sticking their hands into the hollow stump
  • Oregon: Voters have to give five reasons why voting actually matters
  • Minnesota: Each voter must devise one new voting restriction for next person in line before being allowed to enter booth

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