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Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book

Former defense secretary Robert Gates has stirred controversy with the release of his new 600-page book, Duty: Memoirs Of A Secretary At War, which offers his candid and often damning insider assessments of the Obama administration, Congress, and Washington politics. Here are some notable revelations from Gates’ book:

  • An entire department exists expressly for the defense of America, and Gates himself was once the head of it
  • Though he lauded the entire armed forces while in office, Gates admits in retrospect that three of the troops were in fact kind of shitty
  • Some 150 pages in, Gates drops a bombshell revelation that members of the U.S. Congress are selfish and even, at times, incompetent
  • Obama was unaware of a war in Afghanistan until late 2009
  • Admits that he found it very liberating to be able to talk openly with so many people who knew the truth about 9/11
  • President Obama brazenly attempted to exert control over nearly every aspect of the country, in the manner of a sort of “chief executive”
  • Secretary Gates has a fantastic command of the written word, with a vital, transcendent voice and effortless ability to draw the reader into a living, breathing world of mystery and political scandal
  • Sasha Obama is the better daughter
  • In one of many vicious personal attacks throughout the book, Gates specifically calls out Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar as “aggravating,” “vindictive,” and even “anti-American”
  • Alleges that President Obama refers to sandwiches as “sammies” behind closed doors
  • At the conclusion of the 600-page account, Gates writes that, all things considered, he actually had a pretty good time in Washington

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