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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book

Former defense secretary Robert Gates has stirred controversy with the release of his new 600-page book, Duty: Memoirs Of A Secretary At War, which offers his candid and often damning insider assessments of the Obama administration, Congress, and Washington politics. Here are some notable revelations from Gates’ book:

  • An entire department exists expressly for the defense of America, and Gates himself was once the head of it
  • Though he lauded the entire armed forces while in office, Gates admits in retrospect that three of the troops were in fact kind of shitty
  • Some 150 pages in, Gates drops a bombshell revelation that members of the U.S. Congress are selfish and even, at times, incompetent
  • Obama was unaware of a war in Afghanistan until late 2009
  • Admits that he found it very liberating to be able to talk openly with so many people who knew the truth about 9/11
  • President Obama brazenly attempted to exert control over nearly every aspect of the country, in the manner of a sort of “chief executive”
  • Secretary Gates has a fantastic command of the written word, with a vital, transcendent voice and effortless ability to draw the reader into a living, breathing world of mystery and political scandal
  • Sasha Obama is the better daughter
  • In one of many vicious personal attacks throughout the book, Gates specifically calls out Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar as “aggravating,” “vindictive,” and even “anti-American”
  • Alleges that President Obama refers to sandwiches as “sammies” behind closed doors
  • At the conclusion of the 600-page account, Gates writes that, all things considered, he actually had a pretty good time in Washington
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