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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book

Former defense secretary Robert Gates has stirred controversy with the release of his new 600-page book, Duty: Memoirs Of A Secretary At War, which offers his candid and often damning insider assessments of the Obama administration, Congress, and Washington politics. Here are some notable revelations from Gates’ book:

  • An entire department exists expressly for the defense of America, and Gates himself was once the head of it
  • Though he lauded the entire armed forces while in office, Gates admits in retrospect that three of the troops were in fact kind of shitty
  • Some 150 pages in, Gates drops a bombshell revelation that members of the U.S. Congress are selfish and even, at times, incompetent
  • Obama was unaware of a war in Afghanistan until late 2009
  • Admits that he found it very liberating to be able to talk openly with so many people who knew the truth about 9/11
  • President Obama brazenly attempted to exert control over nearly every aspect of the country, in the manner of a sort of “chief executive”
  • Secretary Gates has a fantastic command of the written word, with a vital, transcendent voice and effortless ability to draw the reader into a living, breathing world of mystery and political scandal
  • Sasha Obama is the better daughter
  • In one of many vicious personal attacks throughout the book, Gates specifically calls out Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar as “aggravating,” “vindictive,” and even “anti-American”
  • Alleges that President Obama refers to sandwiches as “sammies” behind closed doors
  • At the conclusion of the 600-page account, Gates writes that, all things considered, he actually had a pretty good time in Washington

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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