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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Revelations From Shaq’s New Book

Shaquille O'Neal's frank and unflinching autobiography Shaq Uncut: My Story hits store shelves this week. Though Shaq's candid thoughts are too numerous to list here, readers will find these the most notable:

  • Grew 7 feet of his 7-foot-1-inch frame during his junior year of high school
  • Showed local news reporters how large his shoes were more than 15,000 times during his first year in the NBA
  • Took a year off from basketball and lived as a genie to prepare for his role in Kazaam
  • Spent first three years writing book from Luke Walton's point of view before deciding to make just one chapter that way
  • Has released four rap albums, plus more than 40 country albums under the name Logan Quantrill
  • Though Shaq was sworn in as a cop in Miami, his original goal was to be a horse-cop
  • Revealed that, in 2009, he actually played for the Cavaliers
  • Seriously considered retiring in 2010 before realizing he could stand to lose a few more dignities
  • Had a fierce rivalry with Andre Agassi, although there was no practical way to express or demonstrate this

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