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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Revelations From Shaq’s New Book

Shaquille O'Neal's frank and unflinching autobiography Shaq Uncut: My Story hits store shelves this week. Though Shaq's candid thoughts are too numerous to list here, readers will find these the most notable:

  • Grew 7 feet of his 7-foot-1-inch frame during his junior year of high school
  • Showed local news reporters how large his shoes were more than 15,000 times during his first year in the NBA
  • Took a year off from basketball and lived as a genie to prepare for his role in Kazaam
  • Spent first three years writing book from Luke Walton's point of view before deciding to make just one chapter that way
  • Has released four rap albums, plus more than 40 country albums under the name Logan Quantrill
  • Though Shaq was sworn in as a cop in Miami, his original goal was to be a horse-cop
  • Revealed that, in 2009, he actually played for the Cavaliers
  • Seriously considered retiring in 2010 before realizing he could stand to lose a few more dignities
  • Had a fierce rivalry with Andre Agassi, although there was no practical way to express or demonstrate this

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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