Revelations From The Wells Report

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Vol 50 Issue 07

Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat

Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.

Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25

A recent study on retirees found that most people make their most important or life-changing memories before age 25, with subjects listing life transitions such as marriage and having children as their most important moments in life.
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Revelations From The Wells Report

With the recent release of Ted Wells’ report, Onion Sports examines what the NFL-ordered investigation discovered about workplace harassment within the Miami Dolphins.

  • Identified a clear pattern of harassment directed toward a player nicknamed “Jmart,” who could be anyone, really
  • No one was kicking the shit out of Ryan Tannehill for some reason
  • Miami coaching staff was often too busy working on moronic game plans to notice bullying situation
  • Former Dolphins lineman Andrew McDonald routinely referred to by the offensive, highly insulting nickname “Player A”
  • Martin never informed coaches he was being abused in the locker room, practice field, weight room, or team meetings
  • The “About the Author” page revealed that, in addition to being an accomplished criminal attorney, Ted Wells also enjoys mountain biking and spending time with his family
  • To be completely fair, Incognito also called Jonathan Martin “teammate” four times over the past 18 months
  • Inexplicably, Martin could never earn the respect of his NFL teammates, despite his proclivities for tattling and crying
  • Dan Marino still hangs around Sun Life Stadium five to six days a week
  • Jonathan Martin’s sister has a wolf puss
  • Concluded all of these guys are fucking morons
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