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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Revelations From The Wells Report

With the recent release of Ted Wells’ report, Onion Sports examines what the NFL-ordered investigation discovered about workplace harassment within the Miami Dolphins.

  • Identified a clear pattern of harassment directed toward a player nicknamed “Jmart,” who could be anyone, really
  • No one was kicking the shit out of Ryan Tannehill for some reason
  • Miami coaching staff was often too busy working on moronic game plans to notice bullying situation
  • Former Dolphins lineman Andrew McDonald routinely referred to by the offensive, highly insulting nickname “Player A”
  • Martin never informed coaches he was being abused in the locker room, practice field, weight room, or team meetings
  • The “About the Author” page revealed that, in addition to being an accomplished criminal attorney, Ted Wells also enjoys mountain biking and spending time with his family
  • To be completely fair, Incognito also called Jonathan Martin “teammate” four times over the past 18 months
  • Inexplicably, Martin could never earn the respect of his NFL teammates, despite his proclivities for tattling and crying
  • Dan Marino still hangs around Sun Life Stadium five to six days a week
  • Jonathan Martin’s sister has a wolf puss
  • Concluded all of these guys are fucking morons

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