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Revelations From The Wells Report

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Revelations From The Wells Report

With the recent release of Ted Wells’ report, Onion Sports examines what the NFL-ordered investigation discovered about workplace harassment within the Miami Dolphins.

  • Identified a clear pattern of harassment directed toward a player nicknamed “Jmart,” who could be anyone, really
  • No one was kicking the shit out of Ryan Tannehill for some reason
  • Miami coaching staff was often too busy working on moronic game plans to notice bullying situation
  • Former Dolphins lineman Andrew McDonald routinely referred to by the offensive, highly insulting nickname “Player A”
  • Martin never informed coaches he was being abused in the locker room, practice field, weight room, or team meetings
  • The “About the Author” page revealed that, in addition to being an accomplished criminal attorney, Ted Wells also enjoys mountain biking and spending time with his family
  • To be completely fair, Incognito also called Jonathan Martin “teammate” four times over the past 18 months
  • Inexplicably, Martin could never earn the respect of his NFL teammates, despite his proclivities for tattling and crying
  • Dan Marino still hangs around Sun Life Stadium five to six days a week
  • Jonathan Martin’s sister has a wolf puss
  • Concluded all of these guys are fucking morons

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