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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

Those Guys Have All The Fun, a history of ESPN published last month, gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the sports network that began on a landfill in Bristol, CT and soon became a broadcasting giant. Here are some of the book’s more shocking disclosures:

  • None of the sexual harassment or sex-in-office stories were true, as all the anchors are basically impotent children who wouldn't know how to have sex if they tried
  • Everyone interviewed pretty sure that the “N” in ESPN stands for "Network"
  • A majority of everyone’s workday at ESPN is spent trying to find things for Kenny Mayne to do
  • The idea for Around The Horn came from producers wanting to marry sports journalism with what it would feel like to run headfirst into a metal spike over and over again
  • Everyone in the book, at one point or another, mentions that Outside The Lines host Bob Ley has never maintained an erection for more than 45 seconds
  • Channel can sometimes be biased in certain ways
  • They reminisce about all these funny pranks they pulled, like having the secretary blow guys in the bathroom to fuel her coke habit
  • Dan Patrick’s given name is David Patrick
  • Because they all know that sports is not actually the most important thing in the world, ESPN is not run for profit and all its employees are actually volunteers

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