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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

Those Guys Have All The Fun, a history of ESPN published last month, gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the sports network that began on a landfill in Bristol, CT and soon became a broadcasting giant. Here are some of the book’s more shocking disclosures:

  • None of the sexual harassment or sex-in-office stories were true, as all the anchors are basically impotent children who wouldn't know how to have sex if they tried
  • Everyone interviewed pretty sure that the “N” in ESPN stands for "Network"
  • A majority of everyone’s workday at ESPN is spent trying to find things for Kenny Mayne to do
  • The idea for Around The Horn came from producers wanting to marry sports journalism with what it would feel like to run headfirst into a metal spike over and over again
  • Everyone in the book, at one point or another, mentions that Outside The Lines host Bob Ley has never maintained an erection for more than 45 seconds
  • Channel can sometimes be biased in certain ways
  • They reminisce about all these funny pranks they pulled, like having the secretary blow guys in the bathroom to fuel her coke habit
  • Dan Patrick’s given name is David Patrick
  • Because they all know that sports is not actually the most important thing in the world, ESPN is not run for profit and all its employees are actually volunteers

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