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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

Those Guys Have All The Fun, a history of ESPN published last month, gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the sports network that began on a landfill in Bristol, CT and soon became a broadcasting giant. Here are some of the book’s more shocking disclosures:

  • None of the sexual harassment or sex-in-office stories were true, as all the anchors are basically impotent children who wouldn't know how to have sex if they tried
  • Everyone interviewed pretty sure that the “N” in ESPN stands for "Network"
  • A majority of everyone’s workday at ESPN is spent trying to find things for Kenny Mayne to do
  • The idea for Around The Horn came from producers wanting to marry sports journalism with what it would feel like to run headfirst into a metal spike over and over again
  • Everyone in the book, at one point or another, mentions that Outside The Lines host Bob Ley has never maintained an erection for more than 45 seconds
  • Channel can sometimes be biased in certain ways
  • They reminisce about all these funny pranks they pulled, like having the secretary blow guys in the bathroom to fuel her coke habit
  • Dan Patrick’s given name is David Patrick
  • Because they all know that sports is not actually the most important thing in the world, ESPN is not run for profit and all its employees are actually volunteers
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