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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

Those Guys Have All The Fun, a history of ESPN published last month, gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the sports network that began on a landfill in Bristol, CT and soon became a broadcasting giant. Here are some of the book’s more shocking disclosures:

  • None of the sexual harassment or sex-in-office stories were true, as all the anchors are basically impotent children who wouldn't know how to have sex if they tried
  • Everyone interviewed pretty sure that the “N” in ESPN stands for "Network"
  • A majority of everyone’s workday at ESPN is spent trying to find things for Kenny Mayne to do
  • The idea for Around The Horn came from producers wanting to marry sports journalism with what it would feel like to run headfirst into a metal spike over and over again
  • Everyone in the book, at one point or another, mentions that Outside The Lines host Bob Ley has never maintained an erection for more than 45 seconds
  • Channel can sometimes be biased in certain ways
  • They reminisce about all these funny pranks they pulled, like having the secretary blow guys in the bathroom to fuel her coke habit
  • Dan Patrick’s given name is David Patrick
  • Because they all know that sports is not actually the most important thing in the world, ESPN is not run for profit and all its employees are actually volunteers

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