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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Revelations In The New ESPN Book

Those Guys Have All The Fun, a history of ESPN published last month, gives readers a behind-the-scenes look at the sports network that began on a landfill in Bristol, CT and soon became a broadcasting giant. Here are some of the book’s more shocking disclosures:

  • None of the sexual harassment or sex-in-office stories were true, as all the anchors are basically impotent children who wouldn't know how to have sex if they tried
  • Everyone interviewed pretty sure that the “N” in ESPN stands for "Network"
  • A majority of everyone’s workday at ESPN is spent trying to find things for Kenny Mayne to do
  • The idea for Around The Horn came from producers wanting to marry sports journalism with what it would feel like to run headfirst into a metal spike over and over again
  • Everyone in the book, at one point or another, mentions that Outside The Lines host Bob Ley has never maintained an erection for more than 45 seconds
  • Channel can sometimes be biased in certain ways
  • They reminisce about all these funny pranks they pulled, like having the secretary blow guys in the bathroom to fuel her coke habit
  • Dan Patrick’s given name is David Patrick
  • Because they all know that sports is not actually the most important thing in the world, ESPN is not run for profit and all its employees are actually volunteers

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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