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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Revisiting White House Security Protocols

After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the Secret Service is reviewing security procedures for future events. Here are some past breaches that have also increased concern:

  • A man holding a houseplant in front of his body is able to sneak deep into the West Wing by tiptoeing in short increments while nobody is looking
  • Secret Service agents discover a hose attached to an outdoor spigot at the Library of Congress and follow it three blocks to discover an al-Qaeda car-wash fundraiser in progress
  • Over a period of several weeks, thousands of individuals gain access to sensitive online White House data by successfully guessing Obama's password, "NCC-1701"
  • While Press Secretary Robert Gibbs fields questions on troop increases in Afghanistan, an unidentified man rolls out a mat next to him with DVDs of The Lovely Bones and The Princess And The Frog
  • A drunk and shirtless screaming man is able to wander freely around the White House for hours by telling guards he is Education Secretary Arne Duncan
  • Guy who keeps hanging around kitchen and is assumed to be an assistant to the sous chef finally discovered to be just some guy who really likes watching presidential meals get made
  • A group claiming to be the world champion Pittsburgh Steelers is taken on an exclusive tour that includes a presidential photo op before it's finally revealed they're just the St. Louis Rams
  • After managing to slip past the Secret Service detail explicitly designated to keep him out of the Oval Office, Joe Biden chews Obama's ear off with a 50-minute story about this "redheaded spitfire" he met years ago in a Tulsa diner

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