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Revisiting White House Security Protocols

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Revisiting White House Security Protocols

After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the Secret Service is reviewing security procedures for future events. Here are some past breaches that have also increased concern:

  • A man holding a houseplant in front of his body is able to sneak deep into the West Wing by tiptoeing in short increments while nobody is looking
  • Secret Service agents discover a hose attached to an outdoor spigot at the Library of Congress and follow it three blocks to discover an al-Qaeda car-wash fundraiser in progress
  • Over a period of several weeks, thousands of individuals gain access to sensitive online White House data by successfully guessing Obama's password, "NCC-1701"
  • While Press Secretary Robert Gibbs fields questions on troop increases in Afghanistan, an unidentified man rolls out a mat next to him with DVDs of The Lovely Bones and The Princess And The Frog
  • A drunk and shirtless screaming man is able to wander freely around the White House for hours by telling guards he is Education Secretary Arne Duncan
  • Guy who keeps hanging around kitchen and is assumed to be an assistant to the sous chef finally discovered to be just some guy who really likes watching presidential meals get made
  • A group claiming to be the world champion Pittsburgh Steelers is taken on an exclusive tour that includes a presidential photo op before it's finally revealed they're just the St. Louis Rams
  • After managing to slip past the Secret Service detail explicitly designated to keep him out of the Oval Office, Joe Biden chews Obama's ear off with a 50-minute story about this "redheaded spitfire" he met years ago in a Tulsa diner

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