Revisiting White House Security Protocols

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Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Mark Ingram

The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
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Revisiting White House Security Protocols

After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the Secret Service is reviewing security procedures for future events. Here are some past breaches that have also increased concern:

  • A man holding a houseplant in front of his body is able to sneak deep into the West Wing by tiptoeing in short increments while nobody is looking
  • Secret Service agents discover a hose attached to an outdoor spigot at the Library of Congress and follow it three blocks to discover an al-Qaeda car-wash fundraiser in progress
  • Over a period of several weeks, thousands of individuals gain access to sensitive online White House data by successfully guessing Obama's password, "NCC-1701"
  • While Press Secretary Robert Gibbs fields questions on troop increases in Afghanistan, an unidentified man rolls out a mat next to him with DVDs of The Lovely Bones and The Princess And The Frog
  • A drunk and shirtless screaming man is able to wander freely around the White House for hours by telling guards he is Education Secretary Arne Duncan
  • Guy who keeps hanging around kitchen and is assumed to be an assistant to the sous chef finally discovered to be just some guy who really likes watching presidential meals get made
  • A group claiming to be the world champion Pittsburgh Steelers is taken on an exclusive tour that includes a presidential photo op before it's finally revealed they're just the St. Louis Rams
  • After managing to slip past the Secret Service detail explicitly designated to keep him out of the Oval Office, Joe Biden chews Obama's ear off with a 50-minute story about this "redheaded spitfire" he met years ago in a Tulsa diner
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