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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Revitalizing The GOP

The defection of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter from the Republicans to the Democrats has left the GOP without enough members to filibuster, and served as a wake-up call to the party.

What are Republicans doing to revitalize their image?

Replacing apocalyptic fear-based rhetoric with more restrained fear-based rhetoric

Now support the removal of feeding tubes, but only to allow for periodic cleaning and reinsertion

Getting Ted Nugent and Sarah Palin to mate, creating the first member of a super-Republican race

Reaching out to young people with Trickle, the supply-side economics mascot

Have already given the party chairmanship to a black man—a black man, for the love of God. Was that not enough for you people?

Now recognizing women's suffrage

"Getting caught" at independent movie theaters on weekday afternoons

Maybe taking responsibility for at least a couple of things that are currently wrong with the country

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