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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Rising Oil Prices

Oil prices climbed to over $77 a barrel following BP’s announcement that it would shut down its Prudhoe Bay oil field. Here are the other factors involved in the rising costs:

  • Increased demand from oil collectors
  • More people starting to realize how delicious it tastes
  • Lack of dinosaurs dying en masse
  • Paris Hilton seen at red-carpet gala wearing nothing but crude petroleum
  • Urban children opening oil hydrants to cool down
  • Wife keeps driving to Kroger’s every day for some goddamn thing
  • Oil paintings sold in Holiday Inn Express lobbies finally earning respect of art world
  • Worldwide barrel shortage

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