Rising Oil Prices

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Rising Oil Prices

Oil prices climbed to over $77 a barrel following BP’s announcement that it would shut down its Prudhoe Bay oil field. Here are the other factors involved in the rising costs:

  • Increased demand from oil collectors
  • More people starting to realize how delicious it tastes
  • Lack of dinosaurs dying en masse
  • Paris Hilton seen at red-carpet gala wearing nothing but crude petroleum
  • Urban children opening oil hydrants to cool down
  • Wife keeps driving to Kroger’s every day for some goddamn thing
  • Oil paintings sold in Holiday Inn Express lobbies finally earning respect of art world
  • Worldwide barrel shortage


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close