Rising Oil Prices

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Rising Oil Prices

Oil prices climbed to over $77 a barrel following BP’s announcement that it would shut down its Prudhoe Bay oil field. Here are the other factors involved in the rising costs:

  • Increased demand from oil collectors
  • More people starting to realize how delicious it tastes
  • Lack of dinosaurs dying en masse
  • Paris Hilton seen at red-carpet gala wearing nothing but crude petroleum
  • Urban children opening oil hydrants to cool down
  • Wife keeps driving to Kroger’s every day for some goddamn thing
  • Oil paintings sold in Holiday Inn Express lobbies finally earning respect of art world
  • Worldwide barrel shortage