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Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. Here's how:

  • Try not to just talk about himself when forcing himself on drunk women
  • Shall always stop short of sexual assault by holding up around sexual misconduct
  • If he does go out to bar, he will absolutely make sure to tell everyone he's Jay Cutler
  • Put any young woman who's had too much to drink into taxi and while helping her into backseat just feel her up a little
  • Every time he has an urge to drink and screw random women, will just drink and ride his motorcycle instead
  • Admit to himself it's time to start killing them afterward, wrapping their bodies in chicken wire, and tossing them on the outgoing tide
  • Work on throwing mechanics to become so good that no one will care how sleazy he is
  • Find out why that one nice girl in Georgia hasn't called him back

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