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Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. Here's how:

  • Try not to just talk about himself when forcing himself on drunk women
  • Shall always stop short of sexual assault by holding up around sexual misconduct
  • If he does go out to bar, he will absolutely make sure to tell everyone he's Jay Cutler
  • Put any young woman who's had too much to drink into taxi and while helping her into backseat just feel her up a little
  • Every time he has an urge to drink and screw random women, will just drink and ride his motorcycle instead
  • Admit to himself it's time to start killing them afterward, wrapping their bodies in chicken wire, and tossing them on the outgoing tide
  • Work on throwing mechanics to become so good that no one will care how sleazy he is
  • Find out why that one nice girl in Georgia hasn't called him back

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