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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. Here's how:

  • Try not to just talk about himself when forcing himself on drunk women
  • Shall always stop short of sexual assault by holding up around sexual misconduct
  • If he does go out to bar, he will absolutely make sure to tell everyone he's Jay Cutler
  • Put any young woman who's had too much to drink into taxi and while helping her into backseat just feel her up a little
  • Every time he has an urge to drink and screw random women, will just drink and ride his motorcycle instead
  • Admit to himself it's time to start killing them afterward, wrapping their bodies in chicken wire, and tossing them on the outgoing tide
  • Work on throwing mechanics to become so good that no one will care how sleazy he is
  • Find out why that one nice girl in Georgia hasn't called him back

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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