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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist

Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Domino’s Pizza—claiming his pursuit of personal profit cost hundreds of jobs. Here are some of their criticisms:

  • In a move reportedly met with puzzlement by some Bain directors, Romney pushed to acquire a small firm that specializes in dog crates that can be easily strapped to car roofs
  • Invested in Sports Authority just so he could fire a Boston-area cashier who gave him slow service
  • Is said to have unjustly collected millions in fees for doing nothing more than telling Brookstone to “put digital thermometers in every damn thing [it] could think of”
  • Began requiring Dunkin’ Donuts employees to remove sprinkles from sprinkle donuts, one-by-one, in order to make glazed donuts
  • While restructuring Domino’s, Romney completely cracked down on coworkers signing in Darryl on-time, even on days he had car trouble and couldn’t make it in until later, which is total bullshit.
  • Changed Burlington Coat Factory’s “I got it at the factory” slogan to “I got it at a nice, classy coat store”
  • Made it mandatory for all Guitar Center locations to play nothing but Joe Satriani’s Surfing With The Alien album over store public-address systems
  • Forced on-air Weather Channel talent to process Toys “R” Us invoices during “Local on the 8s”
  • Was the wrong kind of ruthless capitalist

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