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Politics

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist

Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Domino’s Pizza—claiming his pursuit of personal profit cost hundreds of jobs. Here are some of their criticisms:

  • In a move reportedly met with puzzlement by some Bain directors, Romney pushed to acquire a small firm that specializes in dog crates that can be easily strapped to car roofs
  • Invested in Sports Authority just so he could fire a Boston-area cashier who gave him slow service
  • Is said to have unjustly collected millions in fees for doing nothing more than telling Brookstone to “put digital thermometers in every damn thing [it] could think of”
  • Began requiring Dunkin’ Donuts employees to remove sprinkles from sprinkle donuts, one-by-one, in order to make glazed donuts
  • While restructuring Domino’s, Romney completely cracked down on coworkers signing in Darryl on-time, even on days he had car trouble and couldn’t make it in until later, which is total bullshit.
  • Changed Burlington Coat Factory’s “I got it at the factory” slogan to “I got it at a nice, classy coat store”
  • Made it mandatory for all Guitar Center locations to play nothing but Joe Satriani’s Surfing With The Alien album over store public-address systems
  • Forced on-air Weather Channel talent to process Toys “R” Us invoices during “Local on the 8s”
  • Was the wrong kind of ruthless capitalist

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