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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Romney's Campaign Gaffes

The Romney campaign scrambled to limit political fallout last week after the leaking of a video in which the GOP nominee made controversial comments about low-income Americans and those receiving government assistance. Here are some of Romney’s other campaign-trail gaffes:

  • June 2, 2011: Enters GOP race
  • Sept. 22, 2011: Overheard on a hot mic saying, “Sometimes I think things would be a lot easier if my name were Matt Romney”
  • Oct. 7, 2011: Accidentally introduces his family members by their annual incomes instead of their names
  • Nov. 21, 2011: Leans out over hotel balcony and dangles his third son, whose face is covered by a towel, for the crowd below to see
  • Feb. 12, 2012: Reams out butler in front of entire nation
  • Apr. 1, 2012: April Fools’ Day prank flops when nobody knows the difference between a croquet mallet and a polo mallet
  • Apr. 29, 2012: Accidentally has hive of wasps burst out of his chest while on Meet The Press
  • May 17, 2012: Stays for dessert at a private fundraiser and opens the floor to a few questions
  • Aug. 30, 2012: While delivering nomination acceptance speech, huge wad of $100 bills falls out of his pocket and thunks audibly on the podium

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