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Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Rules of Snøkåathlaan

  • QUALIFICATION: Competitors must have a top-five finish in a previous International Olympic Committee-sanctioned event and be fully recovered from same, or optionally, have been convicted for crimes they did not commit and offered the choice between the Snøkåathlaan and a lifetime in the Danish foreign legion. Previous Olympic Snøkåathlaan victors are automatically pardoned and may return to their families.
  • EQUIPMENT: Skis are standard 2-15 meter-length Snøkåathlaan models. Ski poles must not unscrew to reveal hidden swords. Use of hollow-point ammunition forbidden. If dog team includes a St. Bernard, the keg affixed to collar of same must contain either brandy or a similarly flammable libation. All prosthetic limbs and digits must meet the 2005 European standard and must be replacements for, not additions to, original anatomical features. All aluminum bats, trip wires, and especially heavy beards must be approved by IOC prior to event.
  • RACE: Begins with standing start; starter calls first "ready," "set," waits from two seconds to an hour; then discharges a pistol, usually into the air. Deviations from the course will result in disqualification unless they turn out to be faster. In the event that a sled dog returns to the wild, snøkåathlletes must gaze after the animal until it takes one poignant look back. During marksmanship rounds, competitors must not fire until fired upon. Dangling from helicopter must be done with one hand while also trying to save the girl. For each mogul, fruit stand, ski jump ramp, flaming hoop, or slalom gate missed, 10 seconds will be added to total elapsed time. Competitors finishing with times of more than 13 minutes will be disqualified.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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