adBlockCheck

Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

Rules of Snøkåathlaan

  • QUALIFICATION: Competitors must have a top-five finish in a previous International Olympic Committee-sanctioned event and be fully recovered from same, or optionally, have been convicted for crimes they did not commit and offered the choice between the Snøkåathlaan and a lifetime in the Danish foreign legion. Previous Olympic Snøkåathlaan victors are automatically pardoned and may return to their families.
  • EQUIPMENT: Skis are standard 2-15 meter-length Snøkåathlaan models. Ski poles must not unscrew to reveal hidden swords. Use of hollow-point ammunition forbidden. If dog team includes a St. Bernard, the keg affixed to collar of same must contain either brandy or a similarly flammable libation. All prosthetic limbs and digits must meet the 2005 European standard and must be replacements for, not additions to, original anatomical features. All aluminum bats, trip wires, and especially heavy beards must be approved by IOC prior to event.
  • RACE: Begins with standing start; starter calls first "ready," "set," waits from two seconds to an hour; then discharges a pistol, usually into the air. Deviations from the course will result in disqualification unless they turn out to be faster. In the event that a sled dog returns to the wild, snøkåathlletes must gaze after the animal until it takes one poignant look back. During marksmanship rounds, competitors must not fire until fired upon. Dangling from helicopter must be done with one hand while also trying to save the girl. For each mogul, fruit stand, ski jump ramp, flaming hoop, or slalom gate missed, 10 seconds will be added to total elapsed time. Competitors finishing with times of more than 13 minutes will be disqualified.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close