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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

The vice presidential debate is scheduled for Oct. 2.

What are the rules of this debate?

Candidates will be cued to enter as the laser light show subsides, and should be on stage no later than the intro guitar riff to "Living After Midnight"

Questions can only be about Alaska

No reflecting light from watch into opponent's eyes

Each answer requires one piece of fluff or filler but cannot contain more than three

References to Jesus or "God's will" limited to answers to questions about the economy, health care, education, and urban crime

Candidates are forbidden from telling moving anecdotes about Marilyn Laybourn of Wichita, KS, who has three children and was laid off last May

Everybody goes home with a PBS National Debate Participation Certificate

The first candidate to seven sound bites wins

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