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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

The vice presidential debate is scheduled for Oct. 2.

What are the rules of this debate?

Candidates will be cued to enter as the laser light show subsides, and should be on stage no later than the intro guitar riff to "Living After Midnight"

Questions can only be about Alaska

No reflecting light from watch into opponent's eyes

Each answer requires one piece of fluff or filler but cannot contain more than three

References to Jesus or "God's will" limited to answers to questions about the economy, health care, education, and urban crime

Candidates are forbidden from telling moving anecdotes about Marilyn Laybourn of Wichita, KS, who has three children and was laid off last May

Everybody goes home with a PBS National Debate Participation Certificate

The first candidate to seven sound bites wins

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