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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

The vice presidential debate is scheduled for Oct. 2.

What are the rules of this debate?

Candidates will be cued to enter as the laser light show subsides, and should be on stage no later than the intro guitar riff to "Living After Midnight"

Questions can only be about Alaska

No reflecting light from watch into opponent's eyes

Each answer requires one piece of fluff or filler but cannot contain more than three

References to Jesus or "God's will" limited to answers to questions about the economy, health care, education, and urban crime

Candidates are forbidden from telling moving anecdotes about Marilyn Laybourn of Wichita, KS, who has three children and was laid off last May

Everybody goes home with a PBS National Debate Participation Certificate

The first candidate to seven sound bites wins

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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