Rush Limbaugh Returns

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
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Rush Limbaugh Returns

Rush Limbaugh is once again in the national media spotlight, this time for saying, among other things, that he hopes Obama and his economic program will fail. What other incendiary comments has Limbaugh made about the president?

"Now, I'm not saying that Barack Obama's a Muslim. But I do think he masterminded the 2004 Madrid terror attacks."

"America should be terrified of Barack Obama's skin color—whoops, I mean socialist agenda."

"The president's so-called energy plan is nothing more than a carefully crafted initiative that clearly reflects his thoughtfulness and high level of education."

"What is it with these black presidents, anyhow?"

"Rahm Emanuel had my keys stolen. I swear, they were right here this morning."

"Each night I pray that a released Gitmo inmate will kill thousands of Americans in a bloody massacre, just to teach Obama a lesson."

"If I saw Barack Obama's children walking down the street, I would hide behind a mailbox or a tree or something and then jump out and scare them."

"I wouldn't advocate overthrowing the government, but I would certainly not object if some of my dumber listeners picked up arms and stormed the Capitol."

"Let me make this absolutely clear: Obama! Taxes! Abortion! President! Hussein! Socialist!"


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