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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Russia Engages In Saber Rattling

Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a suspected cyberattack against Estonia. Here are some other examples of Cold War behavior:

Feb. 17, 2005—Putin adopts a hammer and sickle as the Russian AIM buddy icon

Nov. 10, 2005—Putin flat-out accuses Bush of spreading capitalism

July 15–17, 2006—While hosting the 32nd annual G8 summit, Putin makes "yap-yap-yap" hand motions the entire time anyone else is talking

Oct. 18, 2006—Russia asks Latvia, the Ukraine, and Uzbekistan if they might want to reunite

April 14, 2007—That little boy whom Putin kissed on the bare stomach? He's dead

May 9, 2007—Putin poisons anyone who isn't nodding in agreement

May 19, 2007—Putin orders forging of giant saber, for rattling purposes

June 8, 2007—Putin says in an interview with The New York Times that he would enjoy a scenario where the U.S. and Russia are interlocked in a world conflict that could ultimately end in global annihilation

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