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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Russia Engages In Saber Rattling

Recently, Russia has engaged in what seem to be Soviet-era tactics, such as a ballistic missile test, a threat to target Europe, and a suspected cyberattack against Estonia. Here are some other examples of Cold War behavior:

Feb. 17, 2005—Putin adopts a hammer and sickle as the Russian AIM buddy icon

Nov. 10, 2005—Putin flat-out accuses Bush of spreading capitalism

July 15–17, 2006—While hosting the 32nd annual G8 summit, Putin makes "yap-yap-yap" hand motions the entire time anyone else is talking

Oct. 18, 2006—Russia asks Latvia, the Ukraine, and Uzbekistan if they might want to reunite

April 14, 2007—That little boy whom Putin kissed on the bare stomach? He's dead

May 9, 2007—Putin poisons anyone who isn't nodding in agreement

May 19, 2007—Putin orders forging of giant saber, for rattling purposes

June 8, 2007—Putin says in an interview with The New York Times that he would enjoy a scenario where the U.S. and Russia are interlocked in a world conflict that could ultimately end in global annihilation

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