Sarah Palin's Speaking Demands

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Adam Wainwright Annoying Entire Ballpark By Announcing Pitch Count Out Loud

ST. LOUIS—Despite a stellar complete-game effort against the Mets Sunday, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright managed to irritate every player, coach, member of the media, and spectator in the ballpark by shouting out his pitch count every single time he threw the ball. "One," Wainwright said after his first pitch, just seconds before acknowledging his second by shouting.
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Sarah Palin's Speaking Demands

A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin's speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster.  Here are some of her demands:

  • Hotel room must have a "moose couture" styling to it
  • Most recent copy of all newspapers
  • Children's caretaker must be of Korean ethnicity or higher
  • 50-gallon aquarium containing a minimum of eight piranhas that haven't been fed in a week and a bucket of ducks
  • If the name of the speaking venue exceeds four syllables, then it must be temporarily changed to "Thompson Hall"
  • Book of word searches and package of string cheese for Todd
  • Extra red clothing just in case something happens to her other red clothing
  • Audio engineer must ensure speakers are capturing full cuntiness of voice
  • Dressing-room lighting fixtures must be equipped with non-efficient bulbs
  • Palin must have "five (5) black pillar candles of 13" in length and 3" in circumference, one (1) stone altar of Baphomet, one (1) obsidian dagger, and one (1) baby delivered to her dressing area no less than two hours prior to her speech"
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