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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Sarah Palin's Speaking Demands

A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin's speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster.  Here are some of her demands:

  • Hotel room must have a "moose couture" styling to it
  • Most recent copy of all newspapers
  • Children's caretaker must be of Korean ethnicity or higher
  • 50-gallon aquarium containing a minimum of eight piranhas that haven't been fed in a week and a bucket of ducks
  • If the name of the speaking venue exceeds four syllables, then it must be temporarily changed to "Thompson Hall"
  • Book of word searches and package of string cheese for Todd
  • Extra red clothing just in case something happens to her other red clothing
  • Audio engineer must ensure speakers are capturing full cuntiness of voice
  • Dressing-room lighting fixtures must be equipped with non-efficient bulbs
  • Palin must have "five (5) black pillar candles of 13" in length and 3" in circumference, one (1) stone altar of Baphomet, one (1) obsidian dagger, and one (1) baby delivered to her dressing area no less than two hours prior to her speech"

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