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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Sarah Palin's Speaking Demands

A draft contract containing details about Sarah Palin's speaking fee and requirements was obtained by California State University, Stanislaus, students who claim they found the document in a Dumpster.  Here are some of her demands:

  • Hotel room must have a "moose couture" styling to it
  • Most recent copy of all newspapers
  • Children's caretaker must be of Korean ethnicity or higher
  • 50-gallon aquarium containing a minimum of eight piranhas that haven't been fed in a week and a bucket of ducks
  • If the name of the speaking venue exceeds four syllables, then it must be temporarily changed to "Thompson Hall"
  • Book of word searches and package of string cheese for Todd
  • Extra red clothing just in case something happens to her other red clothing
  • Audio engineer must ensure speakers are capturing full cuntiness of voice
  • Dressing-room lighting fixtures must be equipped with non-efficient bulbs
  • Palin must have "five (5) black pillar candles of 13" in length and 3" in circumference, one (1) stone altar of Baphomet, one (1) obsidian dagger, and one (1) baby delivered to her dressing area no less than two hours prior to her speech"

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