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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Saving The Dodgers

In an effort to get the Dodgers back on track, Major League Baseball has seized control of the mismanaged franchise from bankrupt owner Frank McCourt. Some of the changes that MLB plans to make:

  • Slamming a gun down on a desk in front of the entire team on the first day, just to let everybody know they mean business
  • Handing over a pile of important papers to an older, white-haired man in a suit
  • Instructing manager Don Mattingly to be more of a leader and to stop softly weeping in the dugout on every pop-out
  • Placing a tip jar next to the pitcher's mound
  • Pawning Jonathan Broxton
  • Instead of dollars, players will be paid in "Dodger Points," which are only redeemable at Dodger affiliated businesses
  • Reuniting the famous "Showtime" Dodgers, with snazzy shortstop Rafael "Magic" Furcal and dominating slugger Matt Kareem Abdul-Kemp
  • Digging up Sandy Koufax's corpse to lift curse on franchise; if he's not dead, will kill him, bury him, and dig up his corpse

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