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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Saving The Dodgers

In an effort to get the Dodgers back on track, Major League Baseball has seized control of the mismanaged franchise from bankrupt owner Frank McCourt. Some of the changes that MLB plans to make:

  • Slamming a gun down on a desk in front of the entire team on the first day, just to let everybody know they mean business
  • Handing over a pile of important papers to an older, white-haired man in a suit
  • Instructing manager Don Mattingly to be more of a leader and to stop softly weeping in the dugout on every pop-out
  • Placing a tip jar next to the pitcher's mound
  • Pawning Jonathan Broxton
  • Instead of dollars, players will be paid in "Dodger Points," which are only redeemable at Dodger affiliated businesses
  • Reuniting the famous "Showtime" Dodgers, with snazzy shortstop Rafael "Magic" Furcal and dominating slugger Matt Kareem Abdul-Kemp
  • Digging up Sandy Koufax's corpse to lift curse on franchise; if he's not dead, will kill him, bury him, and dig up his corpse

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