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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Saving The Dodgers

In an effort to get the Dodgers back on track, Major League Baseball has seized control of the mismanaged franchise from bankrupt owner Frank McCourt. Some of the changes that MLB plans to make:

  • Slamming a gun down on a desk in front of the entire team on the first day, just to let everybody know they mean business
  • Handing over a pile of important papers to an older, white-haired man in a suit
  • Instructing manager Don Mattingly to be more of a leader and to stop softly weeping in the dugout on every pop-out
  • Placing a tip jar next to the pitcher's mound
  • Pawning Jonathan Broxton
  • Instead of dollars, players will be paid in "Dodger Points," which are only redeemable at Dodger affiliated businesses
  • Reuniting the famous "Showtime" Dodgers, with snazzy shortstop Rafael "Magic" Furcal and dominating slugger Matt Kareem Abdul-Kemp
  • Digging up Sandy Koufax's corpse to lift curse on franchise; if he's not dead, will kill him, bury him, and dig up his corpse

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