adBlockCheck

Saving The Dodgers

Top Headlines

Sports

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Saving The Dodgers

In an effort to get the Dodgers back on track, Major League Baseball has seized control of the mismanaged franchise from bankrupt owner Frank McCourt. Some of the changes that MLB plans to make:

  • Slamming a gun down on a desk in front of the entire team on the first day, just to let everybody know they mean business
  • Handing over a pile of important papers to an older, white-haired man in a suit
  • Instructing manager Don Mattingly to be more of a leader and to stop softly weeping in the dugout on every pop-out
  • Placing a tip jar next to the pitcher's mound
  • Pawning Jonathan Broxton
  • Instead of dollars, players will be paid in "Dodger Points," which are only redeemable at Dodger affiliated businesses
  • Reuniting the famous "Showtime" Dodgers, with snazzy shortstop Rafael "Magic" Furcal and dominating slugger Matt Kareem Abdul-Kemp
  • Digging up Sandy Koufax's corpse to lift curse on franchise; if he's not dead, will kill him, bury him, and dig up his corpse

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close