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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Saving The Lions

The 2008 Detroit Lions are officially one of the worst teams in NFL history. What does the franchise have to do to turn itself around?

Game plan to keep offense and defense off the field

Consider removing ice cream machine from sidelines

Free safety Stuart Schweigert absolutely has to go

Concentrate on confidence building plays like falling on a teammate's fumble or throwing passes that are caught by crowd instead of other team

Take the advice of longtime Lions fan Ben Wodyczyek, 78, and just hit 'em with your purses, you buncha bums

Follow the lead of the rest of Detroit: Assume inevitable Japanese takeover will make organization more efficient, more cost-effective, more reliable, and more popular

If entire team is killed in plane crash, NFL bylaws provide for a league-wide expansion draft of top players. Just saying

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