WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.
|Paul Newman, the last universally beloved man, died at the age of 83 after a private battle with lung cancer. He is survived by legions of partly or wholly unlikable human beings, who will invariably besmirch his memory by selling his likeness to a vacuum cleaner company.|
|Boris Fyodorov, 50, Russian politician and banker, died of a "stroke."|
|Legendary film star Charlton Heston passed away in April at age 84. He is survived by five guns, 14 grand guns, and 11 great-grand guns.|
|Chess prodigy Bobby Fischer passed away in Rejykjavíak, Iceland after developing a new chess move that was so genius his brain exploded.|
|Mary Garber, an American sportswriter, passed away this September. She was 92. This only goes to prove that women know nothing about sports.|
|Game designer Gary Gygax died in his parents dungeon after a lengthy battle with a manticore.|