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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Saying Goodbye: The Ones We Lost This Year

Paul Newman, the last universally beloved man, died at the age of 83 after a private battle with lung cancer. He is survived by legions of partly or wholly unlikable human beings, who will invariably besmirch his memory by selling his likeness to a vacuum cleaner company.
Boris Fyodorov, 50, Russian politician and banker, died of a "stroke."
Legendary film star Charlton Heston passed away in April at age 84. He is survived by five guns, 14 grand guns, and 11 great-grand guns.
Chess prodigy Bobby Fischer passed away in Rejykjavíak, Iceland after developing a new chess move that was so genius his brain exploded.
Mary Garber, an American sportswriter, passed away this September. She was 92. This only goes to prove that women know nothing about sports.
Game designer Gary Gygax died in his parents dungeon after a lengthy battle with a manticore.

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