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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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  • More News

Scandalous Coach Firings

  • 1967: The sporting world is stunned when the Green Bay Packers fire Vince Lombardi for gross incompetence
  • 1982: That sick fuck hockey coach in the next town has to move in the middle of the night after six kids finally tell their parents
  • 1985: Billy Martin staves off his fourth firing for a good 15 minutes by wrestling George Steinbrenner to the ground and not letting go
  • 2000: Indiana University officials say they would have fired Bobby Knight for merely grabbing an IU freshman by the arm, and the fact that he then ripped it out at the shoulder was irrelevant
  • 2003: In a move many feel came six years too late, Lou Piniella is finally dismissed as head coach of the Philadelphia 76ers
  • 2006: After a one-day experiment, the Sacramento Kings quickly fire Ron Artest as head coach
  • 2008: Isiah Thomas is fired by every person he walks past in New York City
  • 2008: In a move some saw as over-the-top, Omar Minaya waits until Willie Randolph is asleep and enters his dreams to fire him there
  • 2011: After decades of recruiting violations, John Calipari is finally fired for it
  • More from this section

    Milestones In X Games History

    With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

    ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

    HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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