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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Scooter Libby Trial

Scooter LIbby, former aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, is on trial for obstructing the investigation into the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Here are some highlights of the trial:

Tim Russert impresses courtroom by polishing off a one-pound bag of beef jerky during his testimony

Jurors show up one day all wearing the same sweater

Struck by a fit of generosity, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald throws stacks of immunity agreements from courthouse roof

Disguised Dick Cheney sits in back of courtroom giving Libby the "throat slit" pantomime

New York Times writer David Sanger asks the attorney questioning him to spell his name for the article he's writing for tomorrow's paper

Everyone gets to say "Valerie Plame" as much as they want

Former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer breaks down on stand and cries like a little baby

Members of jury ask everyone to slow down and explain what the hell this thing is all about

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