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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Scooter Libby Trial

Scooter LIbby, former aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, is on trial for obstructing the investigation into the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Here are some highlights of the trial:

Tim Russert impresses courtroom by polishing off a one-pound bag of beef jerky during his testimony

Jurors show up one day all wearing the same sweater

Struck by a fit of generosity, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald throws stacks of immunity agreements from courthouse roof

Disguised Dick Cheney sits in back of courtroom giving Libby the "throat slit" pantomime

New York Times writer David Sanger asks the attorney questioning him to spell his name for the article he's writing for tomorrow's paper

Everyone gets to say "Valerie Plame" as much as they want

Former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer breaks down on stand and cries like a little baby

Members of jury ask everyone to slow down and explain what the hell this thing is all about

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