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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Scouting The Sleepers Of The 2010 NFL Draft

Sam Bradford and Ndamukong Suh are getting all the attention, but NFL scouts look to the late rounds for hidden talent. Here are the players they should be keeping an eye on:

  • Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers: Didn’t really appear on anybody’s radar until he took off his shirt during the combine and his supple, sinewy muscles just glistened in the stadium lights as the sweat shimmered off his body, and his pecs—oh, my God, his pecs
  • Tim Tebow, QB, Florida: It cannot be 100 percent completely ruled out that he could possibly do something worthwhile in the NFL
  • Zane Beadles, OT, Utah: If it comes down to drafting another guy named Mike Williams or a guy named Zane Beadles, you know the general manager is going to say “Fuck it, let’s draft Zane Beadles”
  • Dennis Pitta, TE, BYU: Though some consider Pitta a sleeper, he has turned several teams off by telling scouts “my blocking sucks and it always will”
  • Ciron Black, OT, LSU: Can fill the need of any NFL team looking for players to add to its final roster cuts
  • Vladimir Ducasse, OT, Massachusetts: Faced with criticism that he is too small for the NFL, plucky overachiever Ducasse has put on 475 pounds since the end of the season
  • Pat Grace, QB, Northern Iowa: May never start, but kicking-game experts note he has the well-rounded knees, bent back, and quick fingertips of a natural holder
  • Ryan Reynolds, ILB, Oklahoma: Stock skyrocketed during the bench-press segment of the NFL Combine when he accidentally dropped a 45-pound plate and crushed the skulls of the top six inside linebacker prospects

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