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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Scouting The Sleepers Of The 2010 NFL Draft

Sam Bradford and Ndamukong Suh are getting all the attention, but NFL scouts look to the late rounds for hidden talent. Here are the players they should be keeping an eye on:

  • Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers: Didn’t really appear on anybody’s radar until he took off his shirt during the combine and his supple, sinewy muscles just glistened in the stadium lights as the sweat shimmered off his body, and his pecs—oh, my God, his pecs
  • Tim Tebow, QB, Florida: It cannot be 100 percent completely ruled out that he could possibly do something worthwhile in the NFL
  • Zane Beadles, OT, Utah: If it comes down to drafting another guy named Mike Williams or a guy named Zane Beadles, you know the general manager is going to say “Fuck it, let’s draft Zane Beadles”
  • Dennis Pitta, TE, BYU: Though some consider Pitta a sleeper, he has turned several teams off by telling scouts “my blocking sucks and it always will”
  • Ciron Black, OT, LSU: Can fill the need of any NFL team looking for players to add to its final roster cuts
  • Vladimir Ducasse, OT, Massachusetts: Faced with criticism that he is too small for the NFL, plucky overachiever Ducasse has put on 475 pounds since the end of the season
  • Pat Grace, QB, Northern Iowa: May never start, but kicking-game experts note he has the well-rounded knees, bent back, and quick fingertips of a natural holder
  • Ryan Reynolds, ILB, Oklahoma: Stock skyrocketed during the bench-press segment of the NFL Combine when he accidentally dropped a 45-pound plate and crushed the skulls of the top six inside linebacker prospects

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