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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Seacrest vs. Cowell

Tensions between American Idol stars Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are coming to a head. Here is a timeline detailing their past friction:

1984: Cowell hangs up on a 10-year-old Seacrest following bitter dispute over whether Mocha Sugarcreek should have won Best Vocal Group on Star Search

2002: Producers tell Seacrest and Cowell that the show will be more entertaining if there is conflict between them

2003: In his book I Don't Mean To Be Rude, But…, Cowell refers to Seacrest throughout as "Bryan"

2004: Cowell quietly repeats everything Seacrest says for entire broadcast

2005: During a production meeting, Seacrest eats a cranberry Danish that Cowell had his eye on

2006: Names on the stars' dressing rooms are mysteriously changed to "Bowell" and "Peecrest"

2007: Paula Abdul says some inane bullshit about singing, and Seacrest goes to commercial before Cowell can respond with some equally inane bullshit

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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