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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and then. Here's how the elite military squad unwinds:

  • Spending a nice relaxing day at the beach, completely undetected and unseen
  • Hanging curtains and catching up on HGTV, solely to get their testosterone down to safe, medically acceptable levels
  • Putting .50-caliber slugs in a tree inches above an unwitting neighbor's head while he naps in his hammock
  • Remembering how awesome it was to kick down that door and put a bullet through bin Laden's head
  • Getting their asses kicked by 12-year-olds while playing SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs online
  • A lot less swooping into places and more just strolling in and saying "hey"
  • Busting each other's chops, but in a way that doesn't end in death or paralysis
  • Staging Oscar Wilde comedies at the ultrasecret SEAL Repertory Theater
  • Ordering things online, waiting motionless in the bushes for days until the UPS guy comes
  • A little quality time with the family, playing some Russian roulette in the garage wearing nothing but underwear, thinking about all the horrible things they've seen and done.

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