SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and then. Here's how the elite military squad unwinds:

  • Spending a nice relaxing day at the beach, completely undetected and unseen
  • Hanging curtains and catching up on HGTV, solely to get their testosterone down to safe, medically acceptable levels
  • Putting .50-caliber slugs in a tree inches above an unwitting neighbor's head while he naps in his hammock
  • Remembering how awesome it was to kick down that door and put a bullet through bin Laden's head
  • Getting their asses kicked by 12-year-olds while playing SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs online
  • A lot less swooping into places and more just strolling in and saying "hey"
  • Busting each other's chops, but in a way that doesn't end in death or paralysis
  • Staging Oscar Wilde comedies at the ultrasecret SEAL Repertory Theater
  • Ordering things online, waiting motionless in the bushes for days until the UPS guy comes
  • A little quality time with the family, playing some Russian roulette in the garage wearing nothing but underwear, thinking about all the horrible things they've seen and done.