adBlockCheck

Recent News

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who'd been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and then. Here's how the elite military squad unwinds:

  • Spending a nice relaxing day at the beach, completely undetected and unseen
  • Hanging curtains and catching up on HGTV, solely to get their testosterone down to safe, medically acceptable levels
  • Putting .50-caliber slugs in a tree inches above an unwitting neighbor's head while he naps in his hammock
  • Remembering how awesome it was to kick down that door and put a bullet through bin Laden's head
  • Getting their asses kicked by 12-year-olds while playing SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs online
  • A lot less swooping into places and more just strolling in and saying "hey"
  • Busting each other's chops, but in a way that doesn't end in death or paralysis
  • Staging Oscar Wilde comedies at the ultrasecret SEAL Repertory Theater
  • Ordering things online, waiting motionless in the bushes for days until the UPS guy comes
  • A little quality time with the family, playing some Russian roulette in the garage wearing nothing but underwear, thinking about all the horrible things they've seen and done.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close