LOS ANGELES—Hollywood leading man Brad Pitt hissed and skittered away into the safety of the woods surrounding his house Friday after reading a screenplay from his agent and detecting the musk of fellow actor Chris Pine on its pages, numerous sources reported.
WASHINGTON—Viewing the latest entertainment coverage of the 23-year-old singer and actor with great satisfaction, pleased citizens across the U.S. announced Thursday that Selena Gomez had completed her transition into a sexualized plaything just as they had expected.
OTTUMWA, IA—Vowing to hunt down and destroy every last vestige of the extremist group, Senator Marco Rubio announced Tuesday that his presidential campaign was deploying 6,000 ground troops to the Middle East to combat ISIS militants.
CHARLESTON, SC—Declaring that opening the nation’s doors to displaced Syrians posed a major security threat, GOP leaders warned Tuesday that any refugees who resettled in the U.S. would most likely be driven to terrorism by the way America treats them.
‘Please, Just Tell Me Who To Arm And I’ll Do It,’ President Says
WASHINGTON—Saying the shipments were just sitting there all ready to go, a desperate President Obama stated Monday that as soon as someone lets him know who to give arms to in order to defeat ISIS, he will immediately begin doing so.
WASHINGTON—Sitting Indian-style on the Senate floor surrounded by Magic Markers, crayons, and construction paper, members of Congress spent the afternoon in a special session Monday drawing pictures of their dream Capitols, sources reported.
CHESTER, PA—Slowly rotating the deep-fried strip of white meat to consider every possible angle from which it could be dunked, local man Brian Oakley is, according to sources, currently searching for a part of his chicken tender thin enough to fit into the plastic dipping sauce cup.
WASHINGTON—Describing the behavior as an extremely reliable source of consumer spending, a report released Thursday by the Department of Commerce confirmed that the nation’s retailers earn $5 billion annually from women coming in from the street in order to get away from harassment.
PHOENIX—Speaking to reporters Tuesday from his spacious corner office in the company’s sleek downtown corporate headquarters, Harbor Corrections Group CEO Walter G. Parks reminisced fondly about the business’s humble beginnings as a modest six-cell prison.