adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Secret Service Called Before Congress

Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Here are some of the revelations from the hearing:

  • April 15, 1865: Secret Service completely fails to prevent assassination of Abraham Lincoln by not yet existing
  • October 9, 1977: Four members of President Carter's security detail showed up aboard Air Force One in KISS makeup for his visit to Detroit
  • March 29, 1981: Drunk agent reveals to John Hinckley, Jr. at a bar that President Reagan's body is particularly vulnerable to bullets
  • January 15, 1982: "SS" beat Reagan's high score on White House Dig Dug machine
  • August 3, 1993: An agent was discovered running a moonshine still in the Lincoln Bedroom
  • March, 7 1994: Neglected to dive in front of the TV, leaving Chelsea Clinton exposed to Saturday Night Live’s unflattering and rather petty depictions of her
  • March 10, 2012: During vice presidential visit to Honduras, replaced everyone’s weapons with bananas for Secret Service Prank Day
  • March 15, 2012: Agents left Vice President Biden's detail for 12 hours to camp out for the newest iPad

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close