adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Secret Service Called Before Congress

Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Here are some of the revelations from the hearing:

  • April 15, 1865: Secret Service completely fails to prevent assassination of Abraham Lincoln by not yet existing
  • October 9, 1977: Four members of President Carter's security detail showed up aboard Air Force One in KISS makeup for his visit to Detroit
  • March 29, 1981: Drunk agent reveals to John Hinckley, Jr. at a bar that President Reagan's body is particularly vulnerable to bullets
  • January 15, 1982: "SS" beat Reagan's high score on White House Dig Dug machine
  • August 3, 1993: An agent was discovered running a moonshine still in the Lincoln Bedroom
  • March, 7 1994: Neglected to dive in front of the TV, leaving Chelsea Clinton exposed to Saturday Night Live’s unflattering and rather petty depictions of her
  • March 10, 2012: During vice presidential visit to Honduras, replaced everyone’s weapons with bananas for Secret Service Prank Day
  • March 15, 2012: Agents left Vice President Biden's detail for 12 hours to camp out for the newest iPad
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close