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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Secret Service Called Before Congress

Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Here are some of the revelations from the hearing:

  • April 15, 1865: Secret Service completely fails to prevent assassination of Abraham Lincoln by not yet existing
  • October 9, 1977: Four members of President Carter's security detail showed up aboard Air Force One in KISS makeup for his visit to Detroit
  • March 29, 1981: Drunk agent reveals to John Hinckley, Jr. at a bar that President Reagan's body is particularly vulnerable to bullets
  • January 15, 1982: "SS" beat Reagan's high score on White House Dig Dug machine
  • August 3, 1993: An agent was discovered running a moonshine still in the Lincoln Bedroom
  • March, 7 1994: Neglected to dive in front of the TV, leaving Chelsea Clinton exposed to Saturday Night Live’s unflattering and rather petty depictions of her
  • March 10, 2012: During vice presidential visit to Honduras, replaced everyone’s weapons with bananas for Secret Service Prank Day
  • March 15, 2012: Agents left Vice President Biden's detail for 12 hours to camp out for the newest iPad

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