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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Secret Service Called Before Congress

Following an incident in Colombia in which Secret Service agents drank excessively and hired prostitutes, the head of the agency was called before Congress to discuss the scandal and its fallout. Here are some of the revelations from the hearing:

  • April 15, 1865: Secret Service completely fails to prevent assassination of Abraham Lincoln by not yet existing
  • October 9, 1977: Four members of President Carter's security detail showed up aboard Air Force One in KISS makeup for his visit to Detroit
  • March 29, 1981: Drunk agent reveals to John Hinckley, Jr. at a bar that President Reagan's body is particularly vulnerable to bullets
  • January 15, 1982: "SS" beat Reagan's high score on White House Dig Dug machine
  • August 3, 1993: An agent was discovered running a moonshine still in the Lincoln Bedroom
  • March, 7 1994: Neglected to dive in front of the TV, leaving Chelsea Clinton exposed to Saturday Night Live’s unflattering and rather petty depictions of her
  • March 10, 2012: During vice presidential visit to Honduras, replaced everyone’s weapons with bananas for Secret Service Prank Day
  • March 15, 2012: Agents left Vice President Biden's detail for 12 hours to camp out for the newest iPad

More from this section

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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