Shocking Revelations From The World Of Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Shocking Revelations From The World Of Sports

The sports world is still reeling from former NBA player John Amaechi's decision to come out in his memoir Man In The Middle, but it's not the first time sudden admissions have made headlines:

1979: Terry Bradshaw admits that he has read every book ever printed

1990: Doc Gooden reveals that his habit of sniffing, licking, and hugging his "special" rosin bag was not actually because he simply loved rosin bags

1995: "Dr. J" Julius Erving admits in an ABA documentary for HBO that, before his legendary free-throw-line dunk, he had the line moved five feet closer to the basket

1998: In a routine interview on ESPN, Michael Jordan makes the sports world extremely uncomfortable when he casually states that "maintaining a commitment to excellence is fairly easy when you're born with more talent than everyone else"

2001: The morning of the Daytona 500 that took his life, Dale Earnhardt's fellow drivers laugh at him when he tells them of the flock of ravens, the mysterious cloaked figure, and the silently weeping woman with black hair and chalk-white skin that appeared in his dreams the night before

2005: A now 6'7" Muggsy Bogues admits in an episode of ESPN's Outside The Lines that when he played in the NBA, he was only 11 years old

2006: Lance Armstrong is forced to retract several passages from his autobiography in which he claimed to have triumphed over adversity after being born with no arms or legs


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